When a tsunami wipes out the island where a villainous pirate?s treasure is buried, he must turn to more conventional methods to fund his retirement.
kjennarLogliner
When a tsunami wipes out the island where a villainous pirate?s treasure is buried, he must turn to more conventional methods to fund his retirement.
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I like the set-up to the premise but the second half is vague — it reads as a ‘tagline’. I think you need to tell us what the “…more conventional methods” specifically are… otherwise we don’t really know what this story is about/ what the main GAG is.
Best of luck with it.
If the set up is the tsunami wiping out the island where his treasure is buried… then, you should actually drop most of that from the logline.
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“When his treasure is destroyed, a villainous pirate get’s a job at Walmart in order to make ends meet.”
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I only say that because how his treasure is destroyed isn’t important to the setup, only that it is destroyed.
Thanks for the reviews, quite helpful. Richie, I like the version you came up with, I don’t think I could improve on it much. I’ll keep practicing.
Love Richiev’s take.
It seems to me that if he has to resort to more “conventional means” there has to be a reason.? Why can’t he just do what he?originally did?so successfully to?acquire the treasure?
Well, he could be too old to get back in the game –?arthritis, a weak heart, emphysema, whatever.??Or he made a vow to a loved one (daughter from whom he was estranged, newly married wife) to walk the strait and narrow.
This is a really funny premise. I want to see where it progresses 🙂
I kinda like the mystery of “more conventional methods” but I also like the lameness of getting a job at Walmart. I guess it depends on where you want to take it.