Penpusher
Posted: 2016-11-12T11:11:31+10:00 In:

When a young army colonel is haunted by his time on the battlefield, he must deal with the atrocities his past in order to survive life off the field. Man Down

When a young army colonel is haunted by his time on the battlefield, he must deal with the atrocities his past in order to survive life off the field. Man Down
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    5 Reviews

    1. Singularity

      I concur with Nir Shelter that PTSD is not a character flaw. ?In fact, I have come to think less in terms of a “character flaw” and more in terms of a “vulnerability”which can be a matter of ?a personality defect or a matter of a physical or psychological disability or a matter of a disadvantage in the context of the protagonist’s struggle.

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    2. Penpusher

      A little on the vague side – no great hook which would make me want to see, or anything intriguing about the main character hinted at. Plus, grammatically incorrect, a word missing

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    3. Singularity

      Craig Grifithi’s re work is good.

      What MUST he achieve and why?

      Also, the PTSD aspect is not a character flaw, it’s a condition he must deal with – not his fault. His flaw could be arrogance or refusal to accept treatment for the PTSD, not the condition in itself.

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    4. Uberwriter

      These types of stories tend work better if the audience can see his motivation, a reason for the effort.

      Plus you went a real long way to describe PTSD.

      Something like:

      A veteran struggling with PTSD struggles to rebuild his life in a hope to get back with his wife.

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    5. Singularity

      Fwiw, here is my take on your logline as vetted through a template I use to vet my own story ideas.

      ?

      Does the logline have a strong hook??
      I don’t see clearly a defined one to grab and hold interest because the dramatic problem is defined in generalities rather than specifics. “Haunted by his time on the battlefield”– what is that about? What battlefield?? In Iraq? In Kuwait? In Vietnam?? “Deal with the atrocities” — what does “deal” mean? And were the atrocities he himself committed or only witnessed?

      ?

      How novel is the idea?
      Protagonist soldiers having to deal with something ugly, traumatic in the past, is not an uncommon issue in contemporary films in the war genre.

      ?

      Who is the protagonist?
      Clearly defined:? a young army colonel.

      ?

      Does he have a character flaw?
      Some kind of PTSD, I’m guessing.

      ?

      What is the inciting incident (II)?
      None given.

      ?

      What becomes his objective goal (OG)?
      There is none.? All we are given are vague clues of subjective issues.? Somehow, he’s haunted by something that happened in the battlefield.? But that’s ancient history in terms of plotting and loglines. Loglines are statements of present action and future expectations. They are statements about objective goals moving forward in time — not statements of subjective issues rooted in the past. In this instance, the logline needs to define an objective goal for the colonel in terms of present action and future expectations that he hopes will resolve the subjective issue from his past.

      ?

      Who is the antagonist?
      No antagonist is defined.
      ?
      Are the stakes clear and substantial?
      Not exactly. Something to do with “surviving life off the field”. What does that mean. Is he contemplating suicide? Is he unable to re-adjust to civilian life, hold down a job, maintain his marriage or a love relationship? ?What exactly does he stand to gain if he achieves his objective goal, lose if he fails?

      ?

      Is there a ticking clock?
      No.

      ?

      What is his character strength or defining characteristic?
      None specified.
      Is there a clear causal link between the inciting incident (II) and the objective goal (OG)?
      No because of the lack of a specific inciting incident and a specific objective goal.
      ?
      What is the subjective need?
      In general terms, the the colonel has to “deal” with his past in the present.? But, again, there is no clear definition of “deal”.? How does that translate into a specific objective goal?
      Is there a unifying theme?
      Maybe, but I don’t see it.

      ?

      My take away:
      There may be an interesting story here, especially if it’s based on personal experience. ?But the logline lacks a clear inciting incident and a clear statement of an objective goal, present action with future expectations. Instead it focuses on subjective issues and faces backwards in time instead of forwards.

      We are only given the impression of an ongoing subjective problem from the past. That’s okay. But even so, there has to be a specific incident in the present tense of the startup of the script plot that triggers an urgent need to finally, once and for all, deal with the past.

      (For an excellent example of how to do that, I commend for your consideration the opening minutes of ?the Oscar winning movie, “Ordinary People” (1980), how Alvin Sargent, one of the masters of screenwriting, adapted the best-selling book about a teenager tormented in the present by tragedy in his past. For which Sargent also won an Oscar, btw.)

      Anyway, your logline needs an inciting incident and as a result of that incident a specific objective goal.

      Hope this helps.

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