Futuristic Goonies meets Slum-dog Millionaire.
When a young, arrogant celebrity athlete is framed for blowing up the floating Imperial sky-palace, he escapes with a rag-tag bunch of surfacer teens into the planet's crime-ridden slums to bring to justice the Empire's most notorious terrorist — its ruler.
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A few too many adjectives crowding the sense of purpose here too. I’d capitalise Surfacer by the way, a trick I have learnt to signal it is a neologism specific to the script (eyes scan over it without gleaning that otherwise). A “spoilt teen athlete” might capture the hero more succinctly. The fact the emperor is the planet’s worst terrorist doesn’t make much sense to me (look up the definition of terrorist) and comes out of the blue. If it is to expose the harsh dictatorial rule of the emperor, then great, but it would be good to have a sense in the logline of why the teen hero was framed in the first place. It might be good to lead off with “A despotic ruler frames a spoilt teen athlete, forcing him to …” and add WHY to the logline.
Thanks! Very helpful. Much appreciated.
I like it, though it’s a little busy. ‘Young, arrogant celebrity athlete’ is just a little too wordy, and ditto with ‘a rag-tag bunch of surfacer teens’. If you could cut both down to three words each, I think it would read a lot better.
When a young, arrogant celebrity athlete is framed for blowing up the floating Imperial sky-palace, he escapes with a rag-tag bunch of surfacer teens into the planet’s crime-ridden slums to bring to justice the Empire’s most notorious terrorist ? its ruler.
I like it. Actually, I really like it!
I assume the athlete is a rebel and blowing up the palace was no accident. Or was it?
The only thing I feel is lacking is ‘the plan’. How should we envisage our hero is going to take on the Emperor? How will his special skills allow him to put this in action?
This action will fill most of Act Two and currently I have a good feel for Act One but after that it feels somewhat open…
Thanks, Karl! I see what you mean.