Penpusher
Posted: 2019-10-14T06:26:29+10:00 In:

When a young assassin discovers a conspiracy that could destroy the very nation she swore to serve, the hunter becomes the hunted when she becomes the target of the organization that raised her.

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    3 Reviews

    1. Samurai

      I think I like this, but… it’s written a little weird.? You are referring to the nation as an organization, right?? Or is there an organization that raised her, and then later in life, she swore fealty to a nation, and now her loyalty is divided?? It’s unclear.? And also, I’d consider replacing “young” with something that describes who owns this assassin.? This is a secret government assassin, right?? ?Meant to clear up threats to national security, or perhaps targets that people within the government “claim” are threats? (hence the conspiracy)? I’m assuming that’s where you’re going with this.? Can use clarification.

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    2. Singularity

      You should be more specific since a lot of what your art talking about in vague terms happens at the beginning of the script.

      “Discovers a conspiracy that could destroy the very nation…”

      What conspiracy? Is it a plot to kill the president? Is it a plot to take over the government? What is the conspiracy?

      Also, what nation? Is there a reason you are keeping the nation secret?

      Finally, what does this prompt your lead character to do? When she discovers the plot, what does your lead character plan to do about it?

      Adding some specifics will help improve your logline.

       

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    3. Logliner

      I think I agree with the two responses. But mine is more of a knee-jerk response. Its too generic and much like what you see in a typical YA – chosen one installment. Good luck.

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