Logliner
Posted: 2020-05-08T05:26:48+10:00 In:

When? a young? detective gets challenged by a killer, he will have to ask help to his wise mentor? with whom he had? fought hard.

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    2 Reviews

    1. Samurai

      INTENTION: must find a killer?

      OBSTACLE: his pride??

      You need to push in on both of these.

      My notes:

      1. Why is it so important he find this killer? (I know he?s probably on a rampage or whatever.) Perhaps he?s steadily targeting detective?s family or something? Detective challenged by killer is also quite cliche and neutral. You?ve gotta spin that and introduce something new to that idea.

      2. The obstacle isn?t that strong just yet. Or perhaps not specific enough. Why is it so hard to ask for help? Maybe the wise mentor is a former detective turned killer/convict. (Hmm – too Silence of the Lambs, but you get what I?m saying.)

      3. Give this detective a real Sophie?s choice. A dilemma. I mean – lives are on the line. This guy would ask for help regardless of past history/pride, etc.

      Maybe mentor killed his family or something?

      Anyways – hope you get something from this. Good luck!

       

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    2. Samurai

      Young is rarely a good description for? a main character, but I get where you’re coming from in your logline: the detective is inexperienced and thus has to find help by asking his mentor.

      But better if you go with inexperienced or half-baked. That’s a more visual description and states his flaw in a clearer way.

      Also: replace challenged with something more urgent. Maybe they kidnap someone close to the detective or someone else, just give the character a clear visual goal he has to take on as an active part of the story. Right now, he is just asking his mentor for help. But it’s your main character (detective) we want to see achieve the goal of your story.

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