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torgodogLogliner
When a young homeless woman is confronted by an evil older male blackmailer, who holds the key to her secret, she must choose between her dignity and a roof over her head. (this is for a scene, but I’m requested to submit a logline for it).
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I think you were trying too hard to be mysterious and secretive and ended up with a convoluted sentence full of pleonasm. Blackmailers are always more evil than anyone else in the film; if you know someone’s secret you have the keys to the secret; you can’t blackmail a homeless person with homelessness.
Maybe you wanted something like one of the following:
A fifty year-old man blackmails a twenty year-old woman, leaving her the choice between living with him? as his mistress or unemployment and homelessness.
A middle-aged man tells a homeless, eighteen year-old runaway he’ll inform her parents of her whereabouts unless she? agrees to live? with him as his mistress.
A man blackmails a young woman he’ll inform the shelter and care program about her ongoing drug habit, leaving her homeless, unless she becomes his mistress.
Why does the blackmailer hold the key for her getting a roof over her head? Is he rich or something? Does he offer her a roof in exchange for what?
As a reader, I have more questions than answers when I read this logline.
Also, you write that the man?holds the key to her secret.? That’s too vague for a description.? Why does an evil old man blackmail a homeless person. Why is he interested in her?
Stop posting multiple loglines – only one a day.
Review at least two other users’ loglines for each one of yours.
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Posted this in the other one…
A woman trying to get her life back on track is blackmailed into sex by a man who threatens to inform her shelter and care program about her secret drug habit.
Idea – could make her counsellor the sex predator??
So what’s it about? A woman regaining control over her life in more ways than one.