When a young man converts to Islam for the love of a girl, he finds his life thrown into chaos when the mentor he befriended ends up being a terrorist, intent on bombing a train -with him omboard.
BennethLogliner
When a young man converts to Islam for the love of a girl, he finds his life thrown into chaos when the mentor he befriended ends up being a terrorist, intent on bombing a train -with him omboard.
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Inciting incident, clear motivation and goal these are your primary concerns in plot construction and subsequently a logline.
The latest draft of the logline seems to brush over what reads like an inciting incident – finds himself on a train with a bomb, and a goal to disarm the bomb. Why then is half the logline spent describing the back story; girlfriend, fianc?, conversion to Islam etc??
Just focus on the plot, if you can’t get the plot to come across clearly in a logline after many many tries then it is a clear indication of a problem in the concept.
On another note if the MC is?able to through himself on top of the bomb and prevent wide spread damage, the bomb couldn’t have been powerful enough to truly endanger the other passengers. A bomb powerful enough to destroy a train will easily tear through a human body.
The latest iteration adds a twist to the story line that leaves me puzzled. ?She’s been “excommunicated” — although Islam uses another term with a different connotation than “excommunication” conveys in Christianity. ? And he converts anyway.
Hmm. ?I was more interested in a story where it was a straight line conversion. ?He converts because she will not marry an infidel, nor will her parents give their consent (which in traditional cultures is usually required).
Well, whatever version of the logline and story you end up with, isn’t it the case that he’s converting to marry her — that is his initial objective goal? ?If so, then I think that’s the way their relationship and his conversion ought to be framed.
Again, his girlfriend and conversion to Islam have no impact on the logline as you state you. While it may be important in the film, it is only adding seemingly unnecessary words to the logline. To me, the only thing even bringing up Islam seems like Muslim=terrorism. Which obviously all Muslims aren’t, but you’re associating terrorism and Islam in the logline. Of course, you’re character turns out to be a hero, but still there is that connection.
As for the plot described in the logline only happening later in the film-what does the beginning include? If it is this man converting to Islam, while I am interested in other cultures and such, I(and many other moviegoers/tv viewers) wouldn’t really want watch something about a man becoming a Muslim(I would be content with looking up how this is accomplished or asking someone)
It just seems to me that since this is described as thriller, there isn’t much of anything interesting that could hold 30 min of the film. Were it classified as a drama, then perhaps showing and building a relationship between the mentor and MC would suffice, and then lead to the betrayal being that much more impactful to the viewer, but even then 30 or so minutes seems a large chunk of a 2 hour or less film to do this, especially since the logline describes the real action, rather than focusing on the drama of the piece.
My suggestion: After his trusted mentor puts him on a train with a bomb, a young Muslim must disarm it before it kills the passengers.(~23 words)
Just a thought, but there a lot of films/tv shows that feature someone with no training having to defuse a bomb/negotiate hostage taker,etc… But this film has a unique element-the fact that the mentor betrayed the MC. So I think it would interesting to start the film with the bomb part, having the MC live, and then have the bulk of the film be about the MC confronting his mentor and dealing with the betrayal, making the film more emotional.
Just my two cents.
Just did a new rewrite.:
“Determined to please his excommunicated Muslim fiancee, a young man converts to Islam, winds up with a ruthless terrorist as mentor and finds himself in a train with a bomb, he must disarm it before it kills the passengers”
Thanks dpg for the research. What the MC is going to do is to offer his own life to save others. ?When he fails to get rid of the bomb or stop the train because of the panic in the train, he evacuates the passengers into other wagons and ends up alone in a wagon with the bomb. He plans to leave the bomb there and get out, but at the last second, a 4 years old kid runs into the wagon. MC realizes that he can not make it out without the kid getting killed, so he takes the bomb on himself to reduce the impact and as such save the kid and the passengers.
Thanks dpg for taking time to do the research. What the protagonist will do is to save the lives of the passengers by offering his own life. When he fails to get rid of the bomb or stop the train because of the panic that breaks out on the knowledge?of the bomb. The MC takes following actions: he gets the passengers to move into other wagons and ends up alone in one with the bomb. He plans to leave the bomb there but a 4 years old kid runs into the wagon just at the last second. MC realizes he can not make it out without the boy getting killed, so he uses his body to reduce the impact of the bomb to save the boy and of course the rest of the passengers.
Okay, FWIW:
I’ve been scanning for movies where the inciting incident does not occur in the standard formula plot point time zone of 12-15 minutes (equivalent to 12-15 pages of script). ?And consequently, the plots lines have the protagonist locking into his (or her) objective goal later than the standard formula ?plot point time zone of 25-30 minutes or pages. ? ?And by ?that, I mean the protagonist locks into the goal that maps to the goal statement of the corresponding logline.
Movies that have these plot points later than the standard formula are rare, exceptions to the rule, but they do exist. ?And some of them, in spite of their violation of the standard formula, are ?(mostly) critical and commercial hits. ?(Like “Gladiator”, about which I hope to eventually get around posting my take on in the Classics section. )
Suffice it to say for now that:
1]All the ‘deviant’ scripts or movies I’ve found were written by established pros — writers who earned the right to break the rules because they first showed they could play by them. ?(Newbies trying to break in with their first script don’t have that creative license.)
2]So far I have not come across a movie where the protagonist was not locked into the objective goal that would be defined as such in the logline any later than the midpoint of Act 2. ?That is, about 55-60 pages (or minutes) into the story.
So, my conclusion is that ?the protagonist of your story must lock into the objective goal described in your logline no later than the midpoint of Act 2.
Unfortunately, your protagonist doesn’t even realize he’s being used until Act 3. ?And?your logline does not explicitly state the objective goal ?he must take as a result of that discovery. ?Rather it leaves it up to us logline readers to infer what the objective goal is, which is to (obviously) foil the plot. ?But that is a vague inference.
Protagonists in Thriller movies are always having to foil this or that plot to kill lots of innocent people. ?What is the particular action your character must explicitly take — what is his objective goal, his game plan – to foil the terrorist plot in this story?
The love part is in ACT 1. The conversion is the turning point which happens in ACT 2. The MC meets the Antagonist in ACT 2 but he does not realize that the antagonist is only planing to use him until ACT 3 when he gets abandoned in the train with a bomb by the antagonist.
How does this current version of ?your logline map to the full plot itself?
Is Act 1 about his falling in love? ?His conversion to Islam the turning point into Act 2?
When does he realize he’s been set up for a terrorist bombing? ?At the midpoint of Act 2? Sooner? ?Later?
What does he do when he realizes he’s been setup?
Agreed with Dkpough1, his conversion and I’ll add his girl friend are unrelated to the plot.
The story really starts after his mentor turns into a terrorist or in other words an antagonist, his subsequent goal will be to stop the terrorist.
My try:
After his mentor plants a bomb on a train, a young muslim convert must fight him in order to get to the bomb in time to save the passengers.
For the logline I’m not exactly sure why him converting to Islam is important, it doesn’t seem to be an actually inciting incident, just a situation the character is in. “Life thrown into chaos” is too vague.
It seems that the MC finding out the mentor is a terrorist is the true inciting incident.
My suggestion: When his mentor puts him on a train with a bomb, a young Muslim must find a way to disarm it before it destroys half the city.
You don’t really state any real goal for the MC. Does he want to save just himself or is his concerned with other people’s lives? The two situations could create different circumstances. For example, if the bomb were a bomb that went off when the train stopped, would the MC try to disarm it? Create a clear goal.