When a young, restless girl runs away from her castle, she is stopped by her most trusted friend to find her castle is taken and her family is killed, now she must fight to take her kingdom back, unaware of the secrets that lie around her, starting with her most trusted friend.
LeviathanSamurai
When a young, restless girl runs away from her castle, she is stopped by her most trusted friend to find her castle is taken and her family is killed, now she must fight to take her kingdom back, unaware of the secrets that lie around her, starting with her most trusted friend.
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I’ve given it some thought and I don’t know how good this is, but I know it’s better than the first.
When a princess from her castle to avoid an arranged marriage, she slowly realizes the arranged marriage was a plot to take over her kingdom, now she must find a way to get her kingdom, completely unaware of the dangers that lie ahead.
Let’s try this one and see where it goes.
I didn’t realize that this logline would create this kind of involvement, I appreciate everyone’s advice and pointers. I didn’t think this one through before I posted it. I’ll try and do better in the future. I learned quite a bit from everyone’s comments, especially DPG and CraigDGriffiths. Thank you. I’m working on another logline for this, but I’m going to check it for the list you all have given me from your comments.
CraigDGriffiths:
I have given a lot of thought to what you said.? Though one of my (innumerable) character flaws is that I post emphatic assertions, I actually do believe that no rule is chiseled in immutable stone, that every rule has exceptions.
And I came up with a few films where the best strategy might be to give away the Big Reveal in the logline. But the question for me is how to do that with out falling into the so, so, so overused “Only to find out” cliche. without writing a logline that focuses? on what happens at the end of Act 2 rather focusing on the story that begins to unfold at the beginning of Act 2 (that will culminate in the Big Reveal).? For that is the primary purpose of a logline, to describe the jumping off point for a course of action undertaken by a protagonist as a result an inciting incident — but not give away the destination or the Big Reveal, the Big Reversal, the Big Dilemma the action builds to.
One movie that I think warrants an exception to the general rule is “The Crying Game” (1992).? ?My provisional? logline for that film is: “A British soldier kidnapped by IRA terrorists falls in love with the girlfriend of one of his captors, unaware that she is a he – – a transvestite.”?
This “Big Reveal” is the story hook, a unique one and a logline must be about that relationship. However, my logline? lays out the story in terms of what happens early in Act 2? (falls in love with unaware) rather than in terms of? “only to find out” at the end of Act 2.? ?IOW:? it’s a matter of framing.? My logline focuses on the initial situation? — not the eventual reveal.? The reveal is implied without being stated — every movie maker knows the story must build to the moment of the Big Reveal about the “woman” he has fallen in love with.
Now then. In contrast to “The Crying Game, the Big Reveal? in this logline (she’s being betrayed by her most trusted friend) is hardly unique, a new story twist.? Betrayal by a trusted friend or ally? happens all the time in film.? It’s a standard issue plot gimmick. Because it is standard issue, I don’t think it merits consideration as a story hook, a strong selling point for the script.? The script needs something else that makes it unique, different, a fresh take.
To summarize my pov:? Using the Big Reveal as the story hook may be the best strategy if and only if it is something unique or something very rarely done in the entire history of cinema.? And even then the logline should not be framed in terms of what is discovered late in the story (“Only to find out”) but rather in terms of what the protagonist is unaware of in the 1st Act.? Tipping off the Big Reveal should be done implicitly.?
And it should be the exception to the rule, not the rule.
Have you ever had someone say (in life or from something you wrote) ?if I had of known that…?.
That?s what I base my opinion on. I think a producer has ever been sad/angry/disappointed about reading a total comprehensive Logline containing all the details. Informed decisions are solid decisions.
I’m in two minds about this thread.
Yes, in some cases you should include the ‘big reveal’ in the logline – if the plot or emotional pay-off hinge on it.
However, in some cases, hiding the ‘big reveal’ could work to your advantage. I can’t tell you how good it is to hear a wide-eyed producer/executive enthusiastically ask – “…and then what?…” after hearing your logline. Aside from being a great way to crack through their, all too common, cynical exterior, it’s a practical way to demonstrate to them how the story will work on the emotions of the audience.
>>>It is not a marketing line
Beg to differ,? It is a marketing line that targets a particular market, movie makers.
>>>A Logline must summarise the story.
Doesn’t mean giving away the Big Reveal.? The summary should show that there are enough interesting things happening? in the 1st and 2nd Acts that will hook and hold attention until the Big Reveal.?
And a Big Reveal only works when it has been properly set up by events in the 1st and 2nd Acts.? Which setup I think could be developed more effectively in this logline.
A logline is not a script. When writing a script you can manipulate POV. The audience can be ahead of the protagonist, with the protagonist or behind the protagonist. Having said that, a logline is not a script. A Logline must summarise the story.
It is not a marketing line, it?s not a teaser, it is the quickest way of telling a fellow professional your story so they can see if they are interested in working on it with you.
>>> Let them know how clever your big reveal is.
Meanwhile, what is there in this story to keep a movie maker reading the script, a movie audience staying with the film long enough to get to the Big Reveal in the latter part of the 2nd Act or in Act 3?? ?
My notion of a logline hook is what will grab and holder reader and viewer attention in the 1st 30 pages/minutes — not in the last 30.? In the era of VOD when audiences are no longer captive in a theater, it’s more important than ever for a film to grab attention in the 1st Act.? If it doesn’t — click — audiences are going to tune in something else.? They aren’t going to wait for 60 to 90 minutes for the Big Reveal.
What is there in this plot that is going to hook and hold viewer attention in the 1st 30 minutes?
This where I differ in opinion with most here. I say keep no secrets from your collaborators and producers. Let them know how clever your big reveal is. ?The big thing at the moment is existing properties, comic books and novels etc. ?There is no surprise there, they’ve read the book.
Tell the story, they’ll be interested in how you pull it off. ?Don’t make them guess, there are thousands of loglines here and this is just one site. Imagine how many there are floating around the industry.
Dont save your best for last. Show your best at first. There is too much competition to gamble on a readers curiosity.
Agreed with Craig and DPG.
Also, the inciting incident is not her running away rather it’s the usurper killing her family. The emotional core of this girl’s story is her fighting the injustice that was done to her and the logline needs to focus our attention on this.
Lastly, the logline is too long. You can cut “…young, restless girl…” – none of these mean much in a logline, best to come up with a better description for the MC preferably a character flaw in one word. I would also cut all references to the friend out of the logline.
>>>unaware of the secrets that lie around her, starting with her most trusted friend.
Seems like a spoiler, a come-to-find-out Big Reveal.? A logine should not contain a spoiler, should not give a away a Big Reveal.
You need to tell us a story.
Returning to her Castle after running away a Prince must raise an army with the help of her friend who is secretly responsible for her losing her Castle.