Penpusher
Posted: 2020-09-10T23:52:32+10:00 In:

When a young woman takes up a run-away eleven-year old under her wing, she must go to extremes that risk her chance at the medical career of her dreams to help the child through the consequences of the gory past she fled.

When a young woman takes up a run-away eleven-year old under her wing, she must go to extremes that risk her chance at the medical career of her dreams to help the child through the consequences of the gory past she fled.
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    2 Reviews

    1. Penpusher

      I’m losing the motivation on the main character. I mean why does she risk his medical carrer for the infant. Did she happen to go for the same that make the infant run at that age? Did she lost a relative the infant age by the disease she is becoming an expert now?

      Also what does the secundary character gives to the plot? The eleven year old should contribute in any way to the plot, if you change the actor for a plant that’s a red flag for the story.

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    2. Singularity

      The premise has promise, but it’s not clear what the plot is, what the story is really about. And at 42 words in length it’s a bit long. (It’s better if a logline comes does not exceed 40 words, better yet if it does not exceed 25 words.) So, alas, this version of the plot conveys too little necessary information in too many words.

      By necessary information I mean the logline does not ID a dangerous antagonist or seemingly insurmountable obstacle. Nor does it give a clear, concise statement of her objective goal.

      >>>Go to extremes
      What does that mean? How does that translate into an objective goal? What is the jeopardy she faces and what must she do about it? It’s not at all clear, not obvious how taking care of the runaway puts both of them in physical jeopardy, nor how it threatens her medical career.

      A logline should be concise, clear and compelling on the 1st read. Producer and directors are busy people with short attention spans. A logline has one, and only one, 10-12 second window of opportunity to pitch the story, hook their interest in the script.

      Check out the “Formula” link at the top of the web page for guidelines on an industry acceptable logline.

      fwiw

      • 2