Logliner
Posted: 2017-09-06T05:11:10+10:00 In:

When allegations prompt a rising Senior to permanently leave home, he must feign loyalty to a commune that hides him so he can attain residency there and take his GED.

When allegations prompt a rising Senior to permanently leave home, he must feign loyalty to a commune that hides him so he can attain residency there and take his GED.
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    6 Reviews

    1. Best Answer
      Singularity

      What are these allegations? Why would they force him to leave the home? Wouldn’t his goal be to prove the allegations wrong, if so, why is his goal to take the GED?

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    2. Best Answer
      Singularity

      And what’s at stake? ?To prove he’s innocent? ?Or to get his GED? ?(For all the effort he expends dodging the allegation, getting the GED seems to be a dramatic non sequitur — and rather paltry potatoes.)

      I don’t comprehend what the primary issue the story will explore. ?Is fleeing from the allegation a plot setup to explore what it’s like to be involved in a cult-like-commune? ?Or is fleeing from the allegation a plot setup to work out how a character eventually matures and faces up to his past? ?What is the story really about?

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    3. Best Answer
      Logliner

      This is the problem with squeezing too much info. He runs away because he was named a key suspect but was later proved innocent, after he left, but his adopted grandparents didn’t survive so he’s orphaned. He can’t and won’t return and is now focused on getting his GED so he can get on with his life and go to college.

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    4. Best Answer
      Singularity

      So what complication does living in the commune create to threaten his objective goal? Seems like he’s found what he needs, a ?surrogate family, a solution to his survival problem.

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    5. Best Answer
      Singularity

      >>The situation I?ve set up is he had to feign interest in joining the group, which is a borderline cult. The promise of the premise is watching him fake >>>interest, first because he needs to hide there, and later to maintain residency.

      Two observations:
      1] It seems to me that the plot (hence the logline) begins when he enters the commune. ?The other events constitute backstory to be revealed as necessary in the script.

      2] IMHO: ?it would be more dramatically interesting if he wasn’t feigning interest, if he initially swallowed the cult, hook, line and sinker. ?Only to eventually realize, it’s not the right answer to the dramatic question his struggle poses. ?So then ?he has to grow out of it.

      Frankly, I believe your portrait of his troubled past makes him a prime candidate for being suckered into the physical comforts and spiritual solace of a cult-commune. ?I mean what his his character flaw if not being emotionally vulnerable to something like that? ?It seems to me you’re making it too easy for the teen enter and eventually exit the commune.

      fwiw

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    6. Best Answer
      Singularity

      >>We?ve seen that quite a bit.

      Not convincingly, imho. ?Whatever.

      If you wish to portray him as initially faking it, will he become drunk on the power his charisma gives him over the commune? ?Again, what is his character vulnerability, his personal psychological Achilles heel, ?being exposed by hanging around in the commune? ?What is the story about his character that you propose to tell by dropping him into this context? ?What is the audience supposed to worry about?

      It seems to me like ?the cards are stacked in his favor during his layover in the commune. ?When the cards should be stacked against him. ?I don’t see anything to worry about. ?Just saying.

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