Chmanok
Lucius PaisleyLogliner
When an abortionist starts using flesh from unwanted pregnancies to build a body for a god, a man must stop his girlfriend's abortion in order to destroy an ancient evil.
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Building a body using discarded fetuses is disgusting but intriguing. I have an issue with the goal though: all he has to do is stop his girlfriend from having an abortion? That doesn’t seem so hard.
“When an abortionist starts using flesh from foetuses to build a body, a pro-choice man must stop his girlfriend’s abortion by fighting evil bovine guardians and destroying an ancient god.”
There we go, now there’s some obstacles.
Tell us more about “a man”.
Better! But now its too long! Can you keep it under 26 words? And how does fighting evil bovine guardians stop an abortion?
He’s unemployed and he’s pro-choice. So I guess instead of “pro-choice man”, I can say “militant pro-choicer”. But then the word “militant” would be redundant.
Seriously though, he’s not really much more than a man really. Like how in Evil Dead, Ash was just a dumb “kid” (he was 22), his background in “Housewares” didn’t become important until it was necessary for him to know how to push the sales angle of his “boomstick”.
I mean, what good would having a function or a job description do for this guy? He has to fight demons. Up until that point, he didn’t think they actually existed, so it’s not like any background would have prepared him for “demon fighting”.
Like Ash, the point that he’s not prepared for this battle makes him *interesting*…
A Lowly housewares employee must fight an army of the undead.
I mean, what’s “interesting” about “the man”? Does he play the piano-accordion? Is his day job a florist? Is he an Ex-Marine? Maybe none of this is relevant directly to his motivations… but I want to know it!
I mean, take Oh-Dae-su in Old Boy. He’s just “a man”… but 10 minutes in, he’s “A man, imprisoned for 15 years, forced to live on a diet of his most hated food”.
When an abortionist uses foetal flesh to build a body,
a pro-choice soldier must fight bovine demons and stop his
girlfriend?s abortion resurrecting an ancient god.”
26 words and now the “man” has a job description.
It doesn’t matter anyhow, since somebody is going to ask how an abortion resurrects ancient gods.
He’s a soldier now. He’s still pro-choice though.
Howabout:
An pro-choice soldier must stop a demonic abortionist from using his unborn baby to ressurrect an ancient god.
(I’m replying here since the function on your last reply seems to have broken off)
“A pro-choice soldier must stop a demonic abortionist from using his unborn baby to resurrect an ancient god.”
I like this, but it kind of takes the edge off, don’t you think?
And technically, the abortionist isn’t demonic, he’s under instruction and the person he is under instruction from isn’t evil as such, merely a psychopath who needs a new body because he was deformed in an accident. But when I try to add in these kind of details, everybody seems to get confused. I know it seems a bit “heavy”, but I’d rather do that than mislead the reader.
(I?m replying here since the function on your last reply seems to have broken off)
A pro-choice soldier must stop a demonic abortionist from using his unborn baby to resurrect an ancient god.?
I like this, but it kind of takes the edge off, don?t you think?
And technically, the abortionist isn?t demonic, he?s under instruction and the person he is under instruction from isn?t evil as such, merely a psychopath who needs a new body because he was deformed in an accident. But when I try to add in these kind of details, everybody seems to get confused. I know it seems a bit heavy?, but I?d rather do that than mislead the reader.
Hmmm…Is this psychopath the god? Who is your main villain? Try to focus on the main goal and obstacle. No need to include the supporting characters’ motives and backstories.