When an adrift M?ori minor is stuck in state care, he must befriend a benevolent pedophile to escape the unjust social welfare system of the ?60s.
ciarinsmithPenpusher
When an adrift M?ori minor is stuck in state care, he must befriend a benevolent pedophile to escape the unjust social welfare system of the ?60s.
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I actually think this logline works.
There is an obvious built-in?conflict because your lead is a minor but he must seek help from a pedophile.
It also gives us the basic information we need to understand;
who the lead character is,
where the setting takes place
and why the pro-active goal of the lead character is important enough that he might seek help from such an unsavory character.
You might say ‘forced into’ instead of ‘stuck in’ to give the inciting incident a little more strength, but other than that.? I think this is pretty good as far as the logline goes.
Maybe:
When a wayward M?ori youth becomes trapped in a callous, racist welfare system, his only hope of escape is to befriend a pedophile.
(23 words)
Or
In the 1960’s, when a wayward M?ori youth become trapped in a callous, racist welfare system, his only hope of escape is to befriend a pedophile.
(26 words)
fwiw
Agree with the above comments. A self sustaining logline ???? (as Richiev suggested)
(Just wondering) it’s a fiction, right?
Then why did you specifically choose the 60’s
I googled, but would like to know your own reasons for this particular detail (in brief)
I think inserting the era would be a good idea (dpg’s second take seems pretty cool)
but why 60’s and not a decade earlier, or even later…
not the 50’s because it risks reading as a post holocaust film (which it isn’t, but could it hurt to use that chaos to your disposal?)
then why not 70’s?
forgive my idle chat..
I can?t offer any help and don?t think you?d need much more. If anything, maybe you could add an additional adjective to describe the boy?s noble character, but that might make the logline less streamlined. The original and suggestions read great.
Just really wanted to say, this sounds like an amazing and meaningful movie!
I pondered whether to include any adjective at all? to describe the boy.? ?I am not knowledgeable of the particulars, but I am generally aware of? the plight of the indigenous population in New Zealand.? Because it is similar to the plight of the Native American population in my country, the United States, of which I am all too aware.
The way I figure it, by merely describing the young boy as indigenous –particularly at that point in the 20th Century —? is to say he’s f**ked from Day 1.
I was particularly intrigued by the risky relationship with a pedophile he must engage in out of desperation. That, for me, was the story hook.
This is a movie I would like to see.? Very best wishes your writing.
Great logline and for Australian /NZ, Maori is fine. How young is the boy? and yes trapped is definitely better.
Just one tiny thing that makes me wonder – when he enlists the help of the pedophile, it implies to me that he exchanges favours – if that is the case, fine as he exchanges one thing for another and does create great conflict but I worry about how that ‘help’ comes. Maybe if we knew about the pedophile – is he conflicted? Sinister? Only likes them younger? And how do they come into play together – is he a foster carer?
Definitely intriguing and I want to hear more!!!