Metaphics, Action, Adventure
Return of Atlantis
Leon DavisLogliner
When an ambitious archeologist finds an ancient crystal engraved with a hidden message, he funds a secret sea creature who unlocks the message so his brain remembers the secrets of the Atlantis civilisation in the crystal, allowing him to release the Talisman Knights; the so called purveyors of ancient antiques; to release their grip on him.
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“funds”? Did you mean to write “finds”?
“his brain remembers”: why include ‘his brain’?
There’s just too much to taken in for me to care about any of this.
What is going to be the dramatic/emotional engine?
The duplication of ‘secret/secrets’ and ‘release’ makes the logline sound clumsy.
You may need to use spelling software as “metaphics” is another typo.
This seems to be all McGuffin and nothing else.
Quite an intriguing premise so far, although the logline feels slightly long-winded and muddled in the second half.
“He funds (finds) a secret sea creature who unlocks the message so his brain remembers the secrets of Atlantis…” – This feels like a second inciting incident due to how the sentence is structured. Adding “he must” would increase the character’s urgency, making it feel like this action directly resulted from the inciting incident: “He must find a secret sea creature to unlock…”
“his brain remembers the secrets of the Atlantis civilisation in the crystal…” I was confused with this section. Does your protagonist already have a connection to this crystal and civilisation? Or is he just now discovering the information when the creature reveals the message?
As your character is under the power of the Talisman Knights, what would happen if he failed to decode the message? What would the negative consequences be if he failed the mission? Life or death? Try to increase the stakes and end the logline with that.
: )
Opening moment is strong, but mostly makes me want to watch Indiana Jones. Try and add a wrinkle to your opening that makes this feel more distinct.
Seconding Jeremy’s he must comment, will give some drive to the second half of this story.
I think you need to declutter your narrative. As trevor mentions, it becomes all mcguffins and little story. The ‘to release their grip on him’ part is the most confusing, as I don’t know if thats the sea creature, the secrets of atlantis, the crystal or the talisman knight that has a grip on him.
As the others have said, fix spelling issues, a great app to download is called Grammarly, they have a free version that covers all the basics for you.
Similarly, there is a lot of unecessary add ons here. You’re currently at 56 words, but you easily could drop down at at least 45, which would improve the flow and readability.