When an anxious recluse agrees to take his cancer-fighting friend on one last adventure, he doesn?t bank on having his beliefs, loyalties and survival skills challenged when she falls fatally ill.
KWLogliner
When an anxious recluse agrees to take his cancer-fighting friend on one last adventure, he doesn?t bank on having his beliefs, loyalties and survival skills challenged when she falls fatally ill.
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I should point out, this is a logline as revised by a professional reader. I’m curious to hear what others think. I personally think it’s too long.
“When an anxious recluse agrees to take his cancer-fighting friend on one last adventure, he doesn?t bank on having his beliefs, loyalties and survival skills challenged when she falls fatally ill.”(31 words)
The inciting incident of a logline, and a story, should be something that happens?to the protagonist, not something they do. It should be a specific, disastrous event that upsets the protagonist’s status quo and is outside of their control. Some examples:
Star Wars: When Luke’s family is killed.
Batman: When Bruce Wayne’s parents are killed.
Spiderman: When Peter Parker’s lack of responsibility indirectly gets his uncle killed.
In each of these an event outside of the protagonist’s control happens, and that event motivates them to pursue their goal. Unless I am misreading the logline, then the man is the main character.
“he doesn?t bank on having his beliefs, loyalties and survival skills challenged ” Isn’t a part of the objective goal, the action he takes. It is a part of the subjective obstacles he faces.
Another thing I see about the logline is that it doesn’t describe the journey well enough. What kind of adventure? Where? Why does she want to go there?
Example:?When his friend is diagnosed with fatal cancer, an anxious recluse takes her on a road trip across the country to visit her small town that she hasn’t seen in years.?(31)
I’ve tried to include my suggestions in my example. There’s a clear destination, and a reason she would want to go there. I describe the adventure as a road trip, creating a clear visual image.
I hope this helps.
Yes, at 61 words it is way too long for a logline.
Also: “… he doesn?t bank on having his beliefs, loyalties and survival skills challenged…” is ?equivalent to the “lesson learned” aspect of the story. ?The “lesson learned” pertains to the subjective psychological arc of the character.
Well, having a subjective arc is story is certainly an important element, but loglines are not about subjective character arcs. ? The subjective arc is what occurs unintentionally as a result of the character’s intentional struggle toward an objective goal. ?And a logline focuses on the intentional — not the unintentional.
More to the point, film is a visual medium and a ?logline is a statement about key elements of the story that can be visualized: ?a ?protagonist, a struggle, a goal, an antagonist and/or opposition. ?(What’s the visual ?for “beliefs and loyalties”?)
A logline should be written as if movies were still in the silent era, as if the story has to be told through visual images — people, props and action — with no dialogue and only a few title cards.
The logline?states an intention by the MC? but not an inciting incident per say. Deciding to do something one day for no particular reason is hardly a story worthy starting point. Better to force him to take action as a result of a motivating event, his subsequent action will expose his character.
Secondly, “…he doesn?t bank on having his beliefs, loyalties and survival skills challenged…” is not an action, it’s not clear what he does in the film. This also relates to the fact that the goal is not clear, what is he trying to do?
A similar premise would be Fan Boys, albeit a buddy comedy but similar none the less. In that film, they were able to provide a very clear goal for the MCs, they had to get their dying friend to Skywalker Ranch to see the Star Wars sequel before he dies. What’s the equivalent in this concept?
Why does the MC have to agree to take his friend on a trip? Why are you revealing that it is their last trip and how do they know? And of course, which one falls ill on the trip? That part is not entirely clear as mentioned above.
“When a terminal cancer patient requests her friend, an online anxious recluse, to travel to the United States to join her on a road trip, he isn?t prepared to cope when she turns fatally ill.”
The problem with this revision is that it doesn’t clearly identify the main character. It starts from the perspective of the woman, and then changes to the man. All other characters should be described by their relationship to the protagonist. The logline also needs a specific destination or goal. What does the road trip accomplish? Where does she want to go, or what does she want to see?
What’s the conflict of the story? I can’t recognize any external conflict from either versions of the logline.
But anyway, here’s an example:?After his friend turns fatally ill, an anxious recluse must take her on a road trip across the U.S so she can visit her grandmother.?
Just an example using elements from your concept. But again, what’s the conflict, what’s the point of the journey?
When invited by a terminal cancer patient, an anxious online recluse dared to join her on a road trip, but when she falls fatally ill he is left responsible for getting her home.
Maybe slightly better?
Why is her invite and dare such a strongly motivator for the MC? It comes across as a weak inciting incident. What more a significant event can you give the MC?