When an attention seeking YouTube prankster is scammed by a car salesman he enlists the salesman?s captivating assistant to help seek compensation but her unorthodox methods and pranking involvement becomes creepy.
WayneLogliner
When an attention seeking YouTube prankster is scammed by a car salesman he enlists the salesman?s captivating assistant to help seek compensation but her unorthodox methods and pranking involvement becomes creepy.
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Hey Wayne, I really like your main character “an attention seeking YouTube prankster”!
I would place a comma after ‘car salesman’.
What do you mean by ‘captivating assistant’? Is she a stunner? May not be relevant to the story…
‘To help seek compensation’ sounds a bit mundane… Revenge? Think cinematic! Increase the stakes.
Up to this point, if sounds like we only have one act. Then you say “but her unorthodox methods and pranking involvement becomes creepy.”
This is vague, and it seems like the hero has become fairly passive. Also, ‘becomes creepy’ is not really an action or plot point. To me, there’s not a lot of story past Act One.
Looking forward to seeing your next draft of the logline.
(Please post it here in the thread, rather than as a new logline post, this way we can follow the improvements and the comments)
I think you’re on track for a story that will grab our attention. Just be clearer, and more specific. Also, give us a visual, goal-driven Act Two!
Thanks Karel, your suggestions really opened it up for me.? I’ve come up with several more ideas, but decided on this trimmed down version.? What do you think?:
When an attention seeking YouTube prankster is scammed by a car salesman and wooed by the sociopathic assistant, he ventures into a world vengeful trickery and unimagined violence.
The logline doesn’t describe a clear goal for the protagonist, what does “…he ventures into a world vengeful trickery and unimagined violence?” mean? What will it look like?
Secondly I don’t think the assistant has any relevance in the last draft of the logline. She is either one of the obstacles the main character will face or a strange ally, either way cut her out and clear up the goal description. I still fail to see the stakes in the concept, a prankster gets scammed is no biggi and him seeking revenge comes across as a negative goal so if he does;t achieve it also no biggi.
What will happen should he fail to successfully exact his revenge?
Thanks Nir,? I see what you mean!? Below is another draft.?? I could cut off the end about the “assistant”, but she is a big part of the story (an ally shapeshifting to villain):
When an attention seeking YouTube prankster is scammed and left without a car to operate his business, he seeks compensation but deviates into darker territory of vengeful blackmail, robbery and murder when he is wooed by the scammer?s sociopathic assistant.
Any tips / comments are greatly? appreciated.