Penpusher
Posted: 2016-09-26T10:17:08+10:00 In:

When an elder crime boss sits down with a younger crime boss, at a poker game, he must carefully find a way to avoid a gang war and keep everyone at the game calm.

When an elder crime boss sits down with a younger crime boss, at a poker game, he must carefully find a way to avoid a gang war and keep everyone at the game calm.
Share

    Post a review

    You must login to add an answer.

    To see everything,

    5 Reviews

    1. Penpusher

      I’d replace the word ‘elder’ with ‘older’ or possibly ‘aging’. Also feel the event could be stronger. A good start though.

      • 0
    2. Penpusher

      Updated longline:
      When an older crime boss sits down with a younger crime boss sits down with a younger crime boss attempting to start a gang war at a poker game, he must find a way to avoid a war and keep everyone at the game calm

      • 0
    3. Uberwriter

      “When an elder crime boss sits down with a younger crime boss, at a poker game, he must carefully find a way to avoid a gang war and keep everyone at the game calm.”

      The post does not seem to describe the plot, but a single scene. If you haven’t already, review the Training tab at the top of the page.
      Basically, though:
      Main Character: Crime boss
      Inciting incident: What makes him want to avoid a gang war? Is his wife killed and that makes him want to retire? What is it? For example, the inciting incident for Spider-man is Uncle Ben’s death.
      Goal: What becomes the goal? To avoid the gang war, I’m guessing? Example: Peter Parker wants to live up to his uncle’s teachings and use his great power responsibly.
      Action: What does the character do? Example: Peter Parker becomes a superhero, Spider-Man, to protect New York.

      Hope this helps.

      • 0
    4. Samurai

      Hey Nwales06,

      Consider making the poker game the inciting incident – and I feel like it’s meant ?to be exactly that; perhaps tempers explode at this game anyway, and from there you have a plot:?When? all ?hell breaks loose at a friendly poker game, your MC does?what to restore the peace between he and his rival gang?

      • 0
    5. Singularity

      Like Eethan, I can see the poker game as the setup for a plot. ?Either the protagonist maintains the peace or he doesn’t. ?If he maintains the peace,?what’s there left to fight about, what’s the conflict driving the story? ?If he doesn’t, what happens next? ?What becomes the dramatic action that drives the rest of the plot? ?What becomes his objective goal?

      Also, what particular ethnic group(s) constitute the competing gangs??

      • 0