When an exiled prince unexpectedly becomes ruler in a foreign kingdom, he must make dangerous alliances if he is to survive the vampire Emperor who murdered his parents.
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When an exiled prince unexpectedly becomes ruler in a foreign kingdom, he must make dangerous alliances if he is to survive the vampire Emperor who murdered his parents.
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This isn’t too far off, however, the vampire Emperor does seem to come out of nowhere. If the murder of the parents is the inciting incident you might want to move that part to the front of the logline.
But if their parents were killed 10 years? ago, it can’t be the inciting incident.
There is potential here but yes, you have to confine it some more.
What are the dangerous alliences? Are they with vampires? We need to know that!
To me the fact that he is away in a foreign kingdom is very powerful and I need to know who is he going to ally. If it is particular like vampires or dragons or werewolves than it becomes much more interesting.
For example:
When a prince is exiled to a far away Kingdom by the murderer of his parents, he must lead the folk to an urpising against the Vampire Emperor.
Hmm no, I can’t have the prince exiled to be inciting incident, as it happened when he was a baby.? Another take:
“When an exiled prince unexpectedly becomes ruler in a foreign kingdom, he must marry a trecherous king’s daughter if he is to survive the vampire emperor who murdered his parents.”
While the “vampire emperor” might have come from nowhere, I’m stuck as to put it in the inciting incident with the time difference and without bloat the logline…
>>>unexpectedly becomes ruler
How?
What is the causal relationship between the inciting incident and the objective goal?
And what is the young man’s objective goal?? Surely not to make alliances — isn’t that is a stratagem, a means to achieve his objective goal??
This would a series logline, so a logline for a first arc.? This logline is an effort to capture the main conflict without bloating the sentence. The order of events could be:
1)He discovers he is an exiled prince and is hunted (was hidden by a relative since baby). This could be the inciting incident for the whole arc, it would inflate the words.
2)He (and the scout) are arrested and sentenced in a foreign land. When he cleverly defeat the executioneer/champion/ruler in the arena, he is chosen to be the new ruler.
3)News spread to antagonist. At this point you could say the ultimate goal for the young man is to avenge his parents and stay alive.
However at the current situation for first arc, an alliance is necessary to barely resist any attack, let alone re-conquer his throne. This reflects my choice of leaving the inciting incident to becoming ruler and what he must do (marry the king’s daughter).
Thanks dpg, any comment is appreciated.
And how much of that narrative takes place in the pilot episode?
these 3 things:
1)Discovery about the past.
2)Debate about leaving (don’t want to leave adoptive parents behind)
3)Someone is poisoned, debate is over: An assassin is on his track so if he stay, likely to be killed.
It’s difficult to offer useful advice because you are writing about an imaginary world that only exists in your head so there is no way either I or any other logline reader can immediately grasp the “magical” rules of that world and make sense of the flow of events.
That said, while revenge is always a good motivator of the objective goal and the resulting action, in this instance I do not believe it is sufficient.? Not sufficient because of the special role of your protagonist.? He’s royalty whose right to rule has been usurped. The natural order has been overthrown. So it seems to me that his dramatic task, his destiny is to restore the natural order of his country and save his people from the vampire Emperor.? Which entails his overthrowing the usurping Emperor and reclaim his rightful throne.? After all, isn’t that why the usurpers want him dead?
IOW: the ultimate stakes.
The protagonist is a man of destiny. And it seems to me that the logline ought to at least implicitly lay out the ultimate stakes in terms of the protagonist’s ultimate destiny.
fwiw
I see. I assume in this case, the ultimate destiny would fall off the scope of first arc, but could be amended at the end:
?When an exiled prince unexpectedly becomes ruler in a foreign kingdom, he must marry a trecherous king?s daughter if he is to survive the vampire emperor who murdered his parents and reclaim his throne.? (ultimate goal added)
?When an exiled prince unexpectedly becomes ruler in a foreign kingdom, he must marry a trecherous king?s daughter if he is to reclaim his throne or die in the hands of the vampire emperor who murdered his parents.? (variation for long arc+stakes)
Hmm… this one is tricky…
>>>unexpectedly becomes ruler in a foreign kingdom
For the purpose of the logline, it seems to me that this is extraneous.? Once he finds out he’s a prince living under a death sentence whose rightful claim to the throne has been usurped, isn’t that sufficient to motivate his objective goal of winning back his throne? For all the details of how he goes about doing it, all the hurdles he must overcome, all the hoops he must jump through,? stay tuned for the next exciting episodes.
My gold standard template for a logline for a series pilot is the one for “Breaking Bad”:? When a milquetoast high school chemistry teacher discovers he has inoperable cancer, he starts cooking crystal meth to pay for treatment and to provide for his family after he’s dead.
That is what Walter White does in the pilot episode.? That becomes his overarching objective goal for the rest of the series.
fwiw
Agreed… but which version do you think is closer?
Agreed? but which version do you think is closer? To a sort of decent version, I mean…
What do you conceive as the story hook for the series?? The unique element that makes your idea stand out from all the other series that feature Vampire characters?
Good question.. . the hook is the vampire as a ruler, in medieval fantasy context, while the most common scenario is post Bram Stoker’s era (1800-)
Good question.. . the hook is the vampire as a ruler, in medieval fantasy context, while the most common scenario is post Bram Stoker?s era (1800-)
Also, I used the word Vampire for simplicity sake but what I had in mind was not the classic vampire, who can’t stand daylight, transform in bat, etc… but more like a need for drinking blood and limited power..
Yes, that’s what I meant, more closer to Vlad the Impaler than Bram Stoker’s Dracula. No flying bats whatsoever LOL. As a fantasy, the intention was to keep similarities with European medieval times, but steer away from the classic chivalry/chivalric code etc…
Yeah, but this context then should be in a summary-like text. The only thing I can think of to add to the logline without making it too long is change vampire for blood sucking emperor
“When an exiled prince unexpectedly becomes ruler in a foreign kingdom, he must marry a trecherous king?s daughter if he is to reclaim his throne or die in the hands of the blood sucking emperor who murdered his parents.?
>>>?the hook is the vampire as a ruler
That could be a problem.? It takes a great villain to make a great hero, yes But the protagonist must possses some defining characteristic that makes him a character who accrues sufficient emotional investment on the part of the viewing audience.? Whose struggle will engage their interest such that they will root for him and stay tuned in week after week to see what happens next.
And a protagonist has to be proactive, at least as proactive as the antagonist.? And I’m not sure he is.? Taking the logline at face value, he doesn’t intentionally win the throne in another kingdom.? Rather, it’s given to him “unexpectedly” after he flees into exile.? He’s one lucky guy but is it luck he’s earned the hard way or luck that’s been give to him by others?
And since this is a fantasy what particular magic does he have — or has the need to develop and use wisely — to counter the magical power of the vampire?
Finally, have you considered making the story with a female protagonist?