When an extremely silent zookeeper loses a tiger in a tragic accident, her only chance of keeping her job is to negotiate with the peculiar caregivers of a traumatised former circus tiger.
LoemoembaLogliner
When an extremely silent zookeeper loses a tiger in a tragic accident, her only chance of keeping her job is to negotiate with the peculiar caregivers of a traumatised former circus tiger.
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“Extremely quiet” isn’t really a character flaw; just characterisation. Perhaps ‘timid’ or even ‘mousey’ (for the animal connection — she’s gonna have to find her ‘roar’) work better to describe the character?
Is the story really about negotiation? Does it mostly take place in an office (or circus equivalent … a trailer, I guess?) with the main character arguing the specifics of the trade with the owners of the tiger? I suspect it’s more a story of re-habilitating the damaged tiger (and in so doing, finding her own courage) — right? If it really is about the negotiation, then I guess the logline is accurate, but the premise isn’t particularly compelling. If it’s about something beyond the negotiation, then the logline needs to be reworked to focus on that.
It might help if there is something specific she needs the tiger for? What I mean is that; if a tiger died because of her incompetence, it wouldn’t be up to her to replace the tiger. The zookeeper would be fired for that incompetence, and presumably someone who runs the zoo would be in charge of sourcing a new animal; if they bothered to at all. However — if it wasn’t her fault, why would her job be tied so closely to the tiger exhibit? Why would she be OUT of a job — wouldn’t it just be part of her job to find a replacement? The stakes aren’t very clear to me.
So the point I was getting at was — maybe a specific reason she needs the tiger. Maybe?the zoo?were planning on breeding the tigers and they only have a small window of fertility with the female tiger, so she’s got to find a replacement for the dead male? Or maybe there’s someone coming to the zoo in a few months to see the tigers (though outside of a royal, I can’t imagine why someone’s job would be in the balance over it), or maybe the zoo is about to close and they wanted to sell the tiger to keep it open, or else the tiger was the only reason anyone was coming to the zoo …
I guess, as I write my thoughts on your logline, it becomes apparent to me that I think your story has a stakes problem — I?don’t understand why the protagonist’s job would be in jeopardy over this situation, and I think the premise needs to be reworked.
Likewise — all of the above, what is the action the character takes to achieve their goal.
I get the sense that she feels guilty for the original tiger’s death, if this is so, play it up in the logline. Make her riddled with guilt and on a mission to right the wrong she feels responsible for by rescuing another tiger that’s in danger. This way she becomes a hero with a noble objective, one we can get behind as an audience.
Loemoemba:
What is the dramatic problem of the story? ?Per the logline, she is in jeopardy of losing her job, right?
What becomes her solution to solving that problem — which is another way of saying what becomes her objective goal? ?Negotiating ?is a process that can be a means to and end, to achieving ?a specific objective goal. ?But by itself it doesn’t constitute a dramatic goal.
So what must she do to keep her job? ?But in drama, that’s a tepid way of framing the issue because it’s considered dramatically weak (and boring) description of a goal to be to maintain a status quo. ?It’s better to frame the action in terms of what she must do to overcome her flaw and prove to herself and others that she has become a better keeper of animals than she was before the accident. ?IOW: it should be implicit in the logline that she has to do a lot more than merely “negotiate” – she’s got to grow as a character by overcoming insurmountable obstacles.
And I don’t see that (yet) in the logline.
fwiw
Leo,
I think you should look deep into your story to find the adjective that describes your characters as best as possible. Be honest, the audience is not stupid. 🙂
Thank you for the advice, dpg and foxtrot25. I was actually trying to do just what you are suggesting with the adjective that threatens the achieving of the goal. Silent–> negotiate.
Now i see that the story isn’t about the negotiating, but about trying to get that circus tiger to trust her.
So the adjective should prevent her from being a good tiger tamer, while actually she appears to be an extremely gifted animal whisperer. ‘Afraid of animals’ would be a little to far fetched, no?
I keep returning to ‘afraid of the people she needs to negotiate with’. That does make her objective a lot harder to achieve, doesn’t it?
Agree with foxtrot25 on the the description of the MC. ?Better to use an adjective for a vulnerability that directly relates to the objective goal in such a way that the vulnerability threatens to defeat the character from achieving her objective goal (whatever it is).
Good point, dpg. Easy to fix, just change the word negotiate to save or something like that.
I don’t like silent to descibe the MC. Surely you can come up with a better and ironic? deficiency for a zookeeper.
When a ____ zookeeper is held responsible for the death of a tiger, her only chance of saving her job and career is to rehabilitate a former circus tiger to take its place.
Negotiate.– that’s a process, but it is not an objective goal.? A logline should be about her objective goal — what she must do or obtain.? Or else.
So how does ‘negotiate’ translate into a specific objective goal?