The Brothers’ War: Realization? (Rewrite down below)
ShadowPenpusher
"When an upper-class rebel is suddenly disinherited by his fed-up father, he struggles to win his father?s approval in order to have his inheritance restored, but his plans derail when he is forcibly drafted to fight in the second US civil war."
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This raises so many questions, I’m not even sure where to start.
Since when was there a second U.S. civil war? In what time period is this set? Why was he disinherited? What does he have to do for his father’s approval? What exactly is an upper class rebel? With what is his father fed up?
Now some statements: everything happens suddenly, because first it isn’t happening and then it is. Don’t need the word.
All military drafts are forced. That’s a what being drafted means. Another unnecessary word.
Being at war means to fight. Yet another word you don’t need.
This is very long and meandering. Sum it up in one simple sentence: “A spoiled aristocrat must learn to survive on his own after being disowned by his father and drafted into civil war.”
If you have to specify a time period, keep it short and simple and make sure the sentence still flows.
Well said, mrliteral.
Learning to survive on your own is completely different to winning back a father’s good graces. In you version he would transform into his own man. What I am getting is that he is willing to manipulate to restore his position.
The second civil war is confusing. Your story is era independent, a producer could say set it during the Veitnam War at the story could still work. Drop things like “suddenly”, it doesn’t add, I think you were going for a “without warning” feel, save it for the treatment.
Good story. Tighten it and post it in the comments.
PS, I guess the Army does make him a different person despite his original plans?
Hi Shadow.
This is a slight re wording of an older logline you posted but adds little much needed clarity I think almost all the comments from the previous logline still apply.
Hope this helps.
The hook of the story is the 2nd civil war. The rest of the story seems incidental, almost a distraction. I suggest focusing on the 2nd civil war and how he gets swept up in it.
I don’t know the whole notion of a fabricated second US civil war sounds convoluted and an un necessary complication that requires too much explaining in order for it to work as merely the setting.
I think better to focus on the MC’s plot and inner journey and find a war that doesn’t need much explaining.
I think that a 2nd US civil war could make for a compelling circumstance for a plot. The circumstance would have to be a major driver in the plot.
But in this scenario, in the grander context of a 2nd civil war tearing the nation apart — the death, the suffering, the destruction, the chaos — an upper class rebel’s struggle to regain his dad’s favor and inheritance doesn’t amount to a hill of beans. It’s selfish and materialistic. Who cares if he succeeds or not?
I believe you could cast this with the first U.S. civil war.
If the MC’s father is a slave owner and the MC is drafted into the Union army. During the course of the story he arcs from wanting the money toward a desire to free the slaves. The Price of Freedom.
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REWRITE:
Thank you everyone for your comments. How’s this:
“When a rebelling, upper-class, teenager is disinherited by his father, he struggles to win his father?s approval, but his priorities change when he is drafted into a war that will change his outlook on life forever.”
Let me know what you think!
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What’s he rebelling against? Why was he disinherited? What does winning approval mean in terms of action? Would his priorities really change from being drafted? If they changed and then he signed up, that I would understand. And why so many commas?
This is still too vague. It doesn’t convey much about the story itself. Don’t answer the questions above; write a logline presenting information that doesn’t require further questioning to be comprehensible. What happens, and what does it mean to your protagonist? That’s what we need to know. And if you have a particular time period in mind, you may want to mention it briefly.
Agreed with the above.
Also if the MC’s inciting incident or in other words the event that motivates him to take action is being disinherited by his father how does that motivate him to achieve something in a war?
The two appear disconnected in terms of cause and effect.
Secondly what is his outer, able to be filmed with a camera and objective goal? This is still unclear from the re draft and as a result it is unclear what the MC will be doing for most of the film.
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REWRITE:
“When a well off trouble-making teenager is disinherited by his father in order to teach him a lesson he struggles and fails to win back his father’s approval, but he gains the ultimate chance to prove his worth when he is drafted to fight in the War of 2079.”
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( mrliteral, I will not be satisfied until I have your approval. 🙂 )
Thoughts on this one? I’m trying to give the feeling that after the son is disinherited, he kind of sees the error of his ways and he has a eureka moment and tries to gain his father’s trust again but fails. Then this incident happens (he is drafted) and he suddenly has a perfect opportunity to show not only his father but himself that he can do something meaningful with his life. Until now he has just been a rich brat with too much time on his hands.
PS. thanks for the comments so far
Shadow.
There is a recurring problem in each re worded logline you post. You essentially have 2 separate inciting incidents these are:
1 – being disinherited
2 – being drafted into the army
As a result you have 2 major plots crammed into the one logline. You describe both inciting incidents and then describe only one goal for the second inciting incident fighting well in a war.
This makes for the first inciting incident of being disinherited come across as unrelated in motivation to the goal you describe of succeeding in war.
The extended description of the father’s reason for disinheriting the MC doesn’t add a compelling motivation for the MC. Also the character description of the MC makes him a generally dis-likable person perhaps describe a glaring flaw he can overcome as appose to upbringing circumstances (well off) and unsavory tendencies (trouble making). Perhaps immature or deluded would work better instead.
You keep making it longer by adding in descriptive phrases and vague notions of unclear actions?I’m gonna go back to my initial suggestion for how to summarize the major events and main character. You can change around certain words or details, but the idea is to tell us only what we absolutely need to know to have a basic understanding of the story’s main concepts. If it’s more than 25-30 words you’re probably saying too much.
Let me put it this way: even a terribly boring or ridiculous idea can be summed up in a simple sentence. “An alcoholic dentist must knit a sweater before sunrise or a psychotic elf will turn his brain to pudding.” This would make a really stupid movie, but do you have any questions about what’s happening or why? You know the main character and a little something about him, you know his main goal, you know the stakes if he fails, and you know the antagonist. That’s all you need. A synopsis would contain more plot detail, such as how this all started, the successes and setbacks he encounters while knitting, how it all turns out?but a logline only needs the very basics, and it must be simple & clear. Don’t get fancy with it. An interesting story sells itself; all you have to do tell us what that story is.
Spot on what Nir Shelter said about there being essentially 2 inciting incidents: being disinherited and being drafted.
And “the war of 2079” raises other questions that distracts from what might seem to be the premise of the story. The war of 2079? What war? How? Why? It might be better to just avoid mentioning the time frame. Leave that to the story proper. Because the human drama of a son trying to win back his father’s approval by joining the military is timeless; it could take place in World War 2, in the Napoleonic Wars, in the Punic Wars for that matter. That it takes place in 2079 is irrelevant for the purpose of a logline unless there is something special, unique about the whatever happens 2079. In which case, it suggests the story is about something else, something greater at stake than a son’s personal problem with his father.
Given the constraints of a logline, you really only have space to promote one idea, one plot thread, not two or three. What is the central idea of your story, the principal plot? The struggle to reconcile with the father? Fight in a war? A future civil war that takes place in 2079? What is the core plot around which everything pivots?
Good points about the two-headed logline. A suggestion that has helped me: backstory is the breeding ground for a good character flaw.
Consider splitting out one the inciting incidents as backstory (probably the disinherited part). Boil it down to a concise character flaw that will make the main action of the story very difficult for the MC in act II, but something he must overcome it in order to achieve the goal.