Notes:
Original logline:
When he falls for the dean’s daughter, a bad boy rich kid has until graduation to turn himself into a gentleman, in order to win him over and be with his daughter. * I felt the action goal was too subjective.
Second logline: When the dean’s father forbids him from marrying his daughter, a bad boy rich kid has until graduation to get accepted into a snooty club, in order to prove his worth.
Third one: To win the affections of the dean’s daughter, a bad boy rich kid has until graduation to get accepted into a snooty club, in order to prove his worth.
Genre: more an 80s teen film/rom com. We’ll stick with coming of age for now.
Been trying to think of a better action objective for the emotional story to run on – some more ideas…
– Must win a school rowing contest. (Too much like Oxford Blues ha.)
– Must ace his final exam.
– Must turn himself into a gentleman by graduation. *** I think is still too subjective. (I do imagine the arc to be not unlike Gere in An Officer and a Gentleman.)
Not sure if this should be set in private school or college. I’m leaning towards college.
I’m well aware that protagonist and daughter could just tell the father to go screw himself and then run away together. I dunno – I want it to be about the protagonist getting back his honour and getting this man/mentor/father figure to respect him. (Notice I didn’t say antagonist.)
I’m thinking the antagonist is a preppy ex-boyfriend who thwarts him at every chance.
What do you think?
Teens and young adults are the obvious target audience for the film. What’s the emotional hook for them, the social relevancy to the way they date and marry (or not) these days? The concept seems retro, so last century (like before the 60’s — 2 generations ago), so unlike, so unrelatable to the way young people date these days.
And as Mike Pedley alluded to, in the era of #MetToo, what is appealing to women (half of the potential audience) about a female character who is so passive/submissive that she can’t marry a guy unless her daddy gives the green light?
Sorry, I just don’t see what makes the story marketable to a contemporary young adult audience.
It’s set in the 80s. Like you said – retro. It could simultaneously mock and celebrate all those tropes (that we all know and love.) Not that I’m writing anything according to the latest trend.
To re-iterate what I said earlier, they could easily run away or shun the father. The protagonist wants to prove his worth and beat the old man at his own game.
(Young vs old – that’s something that will always be relevant/familiar/universal.)
There’s nothing stopping the couple from being progressive. (I never mentioned the daughter is passive. Perhaps she feels entirely above this “man nonsense”. Perhaps the old dean is so locked in his ways – he’ll cut her off, etc.)
It could be progressive vs traditional/trapped in the past/narrow/repressed.
I mean – I do like the idea of this “snooty club” not letting in girls and minorities and this tradition is destroyed by the end.
Reminds me of that DIFFERENT STROKES episode.
New logline:
To win the affections of the dean’s daughter, a bad boy rich kid has until graduation to get accepted into a snooty club, in order to prove his worth.
We’re dropping political agendas/zeitgeist politics in this one. Just imagine a silly college comedy. Nice and light.
A simple boy likes girl story.
Dpg.
Some ideas you’ve given me…
– Perhaps that’s her arc. She starts off passive/weak-willed?
– The father could forbid the protagonist behind her back. He “secretly” forbids the protagonist.
When the dean’s father secretly forbids him from marrying his daughter, a bad boy rich kid has until graduation to get accepted into a snooty club, in order to prove his worth.
>>>There’s nothing stopping the couple from being progressive.
>>> they could easily run away or shun the father.
There’s nothing in the logline to signal to logline readers that they are a progressive couple. Or that she has the gumption to defy the wishes of her old man.
Loglines have one and only one chance, 10-15 seconds, to make the right impression.
Okay…
Using your notes, Mike…
When the dean’s father forbids him from marrying his daughter, a bad boy rich kid has until graduation to get accepted into a snooty gentleman’s club.
– Marriage means stakes. More intense. More personal.
– I’m going with college. I’m imagining college now.
– Hopefully bad boy is enough to suggest he’s trouble making, a man-child, a rebel, etc. He’ll have to do a lot of uphill work to become a gentleman.
– “until graduation” – a ticking clock/deadline.
– Changed “social club” to “gentleman’s club”. (Not quite the same thing but hopefully does two things here. The other suggesting protagonist’s character arc.)
– End of the film, they let women and minorities into the ancient, ultra-traditional club. (Not sure if this kind of film should have that agenda. Though admittedly – REVENGE OF THE NERDS smuggled in an interesting message about “self acceptance being the key to maturity”.)
– On another note, REAL GENIUS was a very progressive film. Great article on how the female love interest was never a trophy but a fully realised person/hero – https://www.tor.com/2015/05/21/30-years-later-real-genius-is-still-the-geek-solidarity-film-that-nerd-culture-deserves/comment-page-1/
I might need to push on the obstacle I think – which is the “snooty gentleman’s club”.
What do you think?
Changed “gentleman’s club” to “snooty club”. We’ll see. I don’t know what’s more formidable ha.
Does the Dean’s daughter not get a say? It hasn’t been established that she falls for him too, so, in a post #MeToo era, I feel like it needs to be 100% clear that it’s mutual right from the start.
I like the idea, I just feel like there needs to be more to it to make it stand out from the other similar 80s/80s style rom-coms.
Maybe his goal could be to get accepted into an elite social club, not dissimilar to him joining a fraternity but it’s all posh stuff that they make him do. The preppy ex could be on the selection committee. The guy gets accepted in the end, but since films like this always need a positive message, once he’s accepted he finds out the uptight Dean did something similar to win over his wife’s father back in the day. The Dean then reconnects with his youth, telling this kid to be himself. The simple fact he was prepared to go to such lengths, and the same lengths he went to himself, shows just how much he cares about his daughter.
Hi Mike.
Thank you for your thoughts.
Does the Dean’s daughter not get a say? It hasn’t been established that she falls for him too, so, in a post #MeToo era, I feel like it needs to be 100% clear that it’s mutual right from the start.
– – – Agreed. I thought someone would pick up on that. I think I just need to change the wording. It is mutual. Again – it’s an honour thing. He wants to show this antagonistic force/father-figure/mentor that he is more than just a troublemaker manchild. (To re-iterate – to turn himself into a gentleman/win his respect is far too subjective an action goal/intention. This makes me think he should win a rowing contest or something.)
I like the idea, I just feel like there needs to be more to it to make it stand out from the other similar 80s/80s style rom-coms.
– – – Agreed. It’s quite thin right now. Admittedly – I am going for something in that vein. (A bit silly but fun. Think REVENGE OF THE NERDS, BACK TO SCHOOL, OXFORD BLUES, etc.)
Maybe his goal could be to get accepted into an elite social club, not dissimilar to him joining a fraternity but it’s all posh stuff that they make him do. The preppy ex could be on the selection committee. The guy gets accepted in the end, but since films like this always need a positive message, once he’s accepted he finds out the uptight Dean did something similar to win over his wife’s father back in the day. The Dean then reconnects with his youth, telling this kid to be himself. The simple fact he was prepared to go to such lengths, and the same lengths he went to himself, shows just how much he cares about his daughter.
– – – Nice idea. Do you think college over prep/private school?
So… “must get accepted into an elite club in order to win the father’s respect” something like that. This could work.
More ideas for action goal/intention –
must get everyone in his party frat house to pass the final exam?
I might need to outline and come back.
Thanks for your thoughts.
Also – just got to a 100 loglines. Huzzah! (Only 8 of them are good haha.)
8% is a pretty good success rate! If 8% of your scripts get made you’re doing ok haha.
Haha – it’s true, 8% is actually a good batting average for a screenwriter.