Penpusher
Posted: 2019-04-22T02:12:23+10:00 In:

When her adopted brother threatens a hostile takeover of the family business, a resentful cyborg must come out of hiding to stop him.

When her adopted brother threatens a hostile takeover of the family business, a resentful cyborg must come out of hiding to stop him.
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    4 Reviews

    1. Uberwriter
      • Since he’s a cyborg, won’t it be easy to prevent his human brother from taking over?
        i.e., What’s stopping him from reaching his goal?
      • What’s in it for him? He was away from the family business, Why now?
      • i.e., What if he doesn’t? What are the stakes?
      • How does a ‘hostile takeover’ look onscreen?
      • What’s he resentful about?
      • 0
    2. Singularity

      I think you might need an extra word or two to make this one work.

      For instance, if you were to say, a cyborg lawyer must come out of hiding, then we would know that the story would revolve around a legal battle.
      If you were to say, a cyborg assassin must come out of hiding, then we would know the story would be about the lead trying to kill adopted brother.

      Adding something like this would help clarify in the readers mind what the plot would be.

      Also, what business? Is it a factory? Is it a cyborg mail-order bride business? Is the family business in the ‘red light’ district where for 50 credits cyborgs can get a lube job?

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    3. Samurai

      Getting there…

      Seems the cyborg’s motivation would be to kill the brother for his involvement in the procedure and to capture the tech and data that can produce more of her. That usually means starting with one objective and then things escalate. But if he was involved, why? Why experiment on her and create an opponent to his plan? If there is no such connection, then the setup sounds soft.

      Or does the cyborg want control of the company? If yes, why?

      At least hint to stakes beyond the cyborg’s life as it’s not clear if the brother has a sinister plan for the company.

      The story comes off as a simple actioneer so is there more to it, like a conspiracy?

      Say more about her. After being enhanced against her will with x (a specific ability or general description that covers a few), a cyborg…

      “Resentful” is redundant.

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    4. Samurai

      Oops, saying more about her includes her humanity. Like, “After being enhanced (as above, the robot part), a (the human part)…“

      • 0