Logliner
Posted: 2016-02-15T22:15:31+10:00 In:

When her best friend’s fianc? comes to town, a sheltered outback girl is faced with feelings she never thought she would have. When he asks her to write a song with him about the suspicious death of a local shearer, she discovers that the culprit is someone close to home.

And He Sang As He Watched

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    3 Reviews

    1. Singularity

      >>>feelings she never thought she would have

      What kind of feelings?? For whom?? Does she fall in love with her best friend’s fianc?e?? Be specific.

      >> culprit is someone close to home

      Vague.? Be specific.? Is he the prime suspect? That doesn’t give away the ending, because he could only be a suspect, not the proven culprit.? But by identifying him as the suspect (at least, if he is indeed the suspect), you indicate what the story problem really is, what is the primary source of dramatic tension.

      I’m guessing the story is about a girl who falls in love with her best friend’s fianc?e (complication #1) ?and comes upon clues that make him the prime suspect in a gruesome and unsolved local murder (complication #2).? But I’m only guessing as to what the story is really about.? I suggest the complication(s) ?of the plot, the predicament(s) it places her in needs to be spelled out with greater clarity.

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    2. Singularity

      This reads like two different loglines:

      “When her best friend’s fiance comes to town, a sheltered outback girl is faced with feelings she never though she would have…” The END

      “When he (her best friend) asks her to ?write a ?song with him about the suspicious death of a local shearer, she discoverers that the culprit is someone close to home…” The END
      —–
      The problem is, I don’t see any connection between the two halves of the logline.

      In other words, why bring up a fiance’ and her feelings, if they have nothing to do with the main plot, which is discovering who killed the local shearer.

      I would just concentrate on the ‘A’ story (The suspicious death of the shearer) and leave the ‘B’ story (The fiance and feelings) out of the logline. (Keep it in your script but just concentrate on the ‘A’ story for the purposes of the logline)

      You obviously have a story here. If you concentrate on the main story line, (for the purposes of the logline) it will read far stronger and be more likely to captivate your reader.

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    3. Logliner

      Yep this is the story I want to read/see: ? When her best friend’s fiance? asks her to ?write a ?song with him about the suspicious death of a local shearer, she discoverers that the culprit is someone close to home?

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