Logliner
Posted: 2016-08-28T23:01:36+10:00 In:

After a sorcerer kills her father, a sheltered princes must search for her exiled enchantress mother in order to learn the forbidden arts and save her people from the usurper

After a sorcerer kills her father, a sheltered princes must search for her exiled enchantress mother in order to learn the forbidden arts and save her people from the usurper
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    4 Reviews

    1. Singularity

      Describe one inciting incident and one goal, or else the plot will seem fragmented.

      The father’s murder is the greater motivator of the two so mention only that, and freeing her people is more compelling than her rising to the throne.

      The MC description is strange and unrelated to the plot,?whether she’s desired for her money, looks or blood line, it makes no difference – her goal is to free her people from a tyrant.
      My suggestion:
      After a tyrant kills her father an exiled princess must team up with her witch mother to lead her people in a revolt.

      23 words.

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    2. I don’t think you should add a name. Names are only in loglines if they are a famous historical figure or based off of an existing IP. Based on the content of this logline, your story is neither. The name means nothing so it would just interrupt the flow.

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    3. Logliner

      I think you can end with ? ?”……and take back the Throne.” ? Obviously they are a rival since they have stolen the throne. ?I like the idea. Can you add her name? Princess…….. ? ? ?I would like to know what you mean by supernatural……is mom a witch? Something scary? You might get more mileage by defining what makes her supernatural.

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    4. “the lands most desired teen princess” is a phrase I have so many issues with. Firstly, who desires her and what for… looks? Intelligence? Wealth? If it’s for marriage or her looks the fact that you’ve explicitly described her as a teen makes me a little uneasy. Also, by being desired, a teenager AND a princess does not make me sympathise with her. It makes me think she could be a spoiled, arrogant brat. Your protagonist should have a flaw that makes the audience sympathise with them.

      As for the logline, with fantasy and sci-fi it is usually best to leave the world building for your actual screenplay and just focus on the core story. We don’t need to know the mother is supernatural as it doesn’t have any effect to everything else you tell us and just raises more questions. A rival kingdom? No, that’s not necessary and also raises more questions. Try:

      After her father is killed and his throne taken by a greedy tyrant, a young princess sets out to take back the kingdom with her mother, who was exiled for being a witch…

      I could probably do better than that but it’s a start for you. I also would come up with a better flaw than “young” haha. Hope this helps.

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