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Alan SmitheePenpusher
Posted: June 19, 20172017-06-19T05:23:16+10:00 2017-06-19T05:23:16+10:00In: Fantasy

When her occult bookshop is burned down, an angry, self-loathing Witch must stop a secret organisation from murdering powerful witches.

When her occult bookshop is burned down, an angry, self-loathing Witch must stop a secret organisation from murdering powerful witches.
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    5 Reviews

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    1. Best Answer
      Neer Shelter Singularity
      2017-06-20T10:49:06+10:00Added an answer on June 20, 2017 at 10:49 am

      If you were to detail the description of the antagonist it would help understand the story. It’s not ‘giving away’ the ending, it’s a necessity for the reader to understand your story.

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    2. Best Answer
      Dkpough1 Uberwriter
      2017-06-19T12:13:17+10:00Added an answer on June 19, 2017 at 12:13 pm

      “Also I?m totally not sure how she?s going to take down this organisation, other than she?s more powerful than she knows.”

      This statement brings to mind a deus ex machina device where she suddenly learns she’s more powerful than she thought before and then she wins. Rather than have her win because she’s more powerful, I suggest making her use her wits to use the power she already has in order to defeat her opponent. Unless a major plot point is her trying to increase her power to be strong enough, then that’s my suggestion.
      For example, where does the organization get its resources? She can attack them by attacking their resources. Why do they hunt witches? Is it based on misinformation or fear? Can she use compassion and information in an attempt to change people’s minds?
      My point is that it doesn’t have to end in a big, CG filled battle(maybe with a sky beam?).
      Just some things to think about.
      Is this a sequel? Do you plan to make it into a franchise?

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    3. Best Answer
      CraigDGriffiths Uberwriter
      2017-06-19T10:11:48+10:00Added an answer on June 19, 2017 at 10:11 am

      You have a slight wording issue. You could assume that she knew about the organisation all along.

      So tie the fire and her discovery together and you are okay.

      Discovering a plan to kill witches after her occult shop is burnt down a woman must xxxx to save herself and other powerful witches.

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    4. Best Answer
      Dkpough1 Uberwriter
      2017-06-19T08:56:23+10:00Added an answer on June 19, 2017 at 8:56 am

      I agree with Nir Shelter in that the concept has a good hook. But for the logline maybe you could be a little more specific? How exactly does she plan to stop this organization? If they’ve been murdering powerful witches, how can she stop them?
      Also, something to think about is the antagonist. First, consider choosing and developing a character, the main face of the opposing organization. Why do they want to kill witches?
      Something I do for all of my stories(which are also Fantasy/SciFi) is create a logline from the perspective of the antagonist. What motivates them?

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    5. Best Answer
      Neer Shelter Singularity
      2017-06-19T08:02:28+10:00Added an answer on June 19, 2017 at 8:02 am

      This sounds really good, there’s a lot of potential for obstacles, conflict and nice big set pieces.

      Is this set in a Harry Potter type world where there are witches and wizards living in none magic people’s society? Or is this world inhabited entirely by magical people and creatures?

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