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EethanSamurai
Posted: July 12, 20162016-07-12T08:15:24+10:00 2016-07-12T08:15:24+10:00In: Thriller

When his buddies desert him in law-enforced territory, a fast-talking space pirate hitches a ride with an underpaid traffic officer to retrieve his precious loot.

When his buddies desert him in law-enforced territory, a fast-talking space pirate hitches a ride with an underpaid traffic officer to retrieve his precious loot.
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    6 Reviews

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    1. Richiev Singularity
      2016-07-12T11:04:49+10:00Added an answer on July 12, 2016 at 11:04 am

      You seem to have the wrong inciting incident.

      The incident incident should directly relate to the goal. If the goal is ‘retrieving the cargo’ then the incident that sets the story in motion should be the lead character ‘losing the cargo’

      “When his cargo is stolen by (the antagonist), a fast talking space pirate must…”

      Hope that helped, good luck with this!

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    2. CraigDGriffiths Uberwriter
      2016-07-12T12:33:17+10:00Added an answer on July 12, 2016 at 12:33 pm

      Lets look at the assumptions we can make:

      Loot stolen.
      Loot hidden.
      Loot Lost.
      Friends dumped him to steal loot.
      Friends dumped him because they are dicks
      Friends dumped him to get him arrested
      That the underpaid traffic officer is in on it.
      That the underpaid traffic officer is completely unaware

      I’ll give it a go.

      “Dumped by his buddies a space pirate must partner with?an underpaid traffic officer to retrieve his loot before his buddies get it.”

      Retrieve could be expanded into some action points – you have a few spare words.

      “Dumped by his buddies a space pirate must partner with?an underpaid traffic officer to retrieve his loot triggering a bloody pursuit across the universe with the people who dumped him”.

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    3. Dkpough1 Uberwriter
      2016-07-12T13:21:39+10:00Added an answer on July 12, 2016 at 1:21 pm

      “You seem to have the wrong inciting incident.”

      It seems to me that his friends steal it as they desert him. Unless I’m misreading it?

      “When his buddies desert him in law-enforced territory, a fast-talking space pirate hitches a ride with an underpaid traffic officer to retrieve his precious loot.”

      The only real problem I’m seeing is a lack of motivation for the traffic officer. Why would he supposedly go off course of his job to give a stranger a ride? Is it because he’s bored and he’s underpaid and wants some adventure? I think an adjective for the officer could help. By law-enforced do you mean heavily policed? If the place is lawless, it should be describe, if it is heavily policed, described, normalized policing? No need. “Law-enforced” is a bit unclear.
      You leave the setting a bit too vague. You say he is a space pirate, but is the story set in space? Is he left on a planet, is he deserted in deep space? That could help, just not too much.

      Example:?After his friends take his cargo and?leave him for the police, a suave space pirate convinces a curious, underpaid traffic officer to give him a ride so he can retrieve his loot.?(~33 words)

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    4. Richiev Singularity
      2016-07-12T16:31:03+10:00Added an answer on July 12, 2016 at 4:31 pm

      I have to agree. If his friends are the ones who steal the cargo then it needs to be said in the logline… not “when his buddies desert him…” but “When his Buddies steal his cargo…”

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    5. Dkpough1 Uberwriter
      2016-07-12T23:50:15+10:00Added an answer on July 12, 2016 at 11:50 pm

      “disgruntled in place of underpaid”

      Example:?After his cargo is stolen, a suave space pirate convinces a disgruntled,?underpaid traffic officer to give him a ride so he can retrieve his loot.?(~26 words)

      I’m not sure if stating it was his friends is necessary; unless they are the actual antagonists of the story, then it might be best to leave them out to cut down the word count. I suggest just focusing the logline on the MC and the traffic officer. I don’t think you even need to mention an antagonist in it because it seems as though the antagonist doesn’t exactly surface until later anyway. The MC’s goal is clear.

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    6. Neer Shelter Singularity
      2016-07-14T12:37:11+10:00Added an answer on July 14, 2016 at 12:37 pm

      I can’t see enough action to fill a whole act 2.

      He hitchhikes a ride with the officer,?but?then what happens?
      They sit in his space car for 50 minutes until they find the bad guys? What is the resulting action?

      Films are often sold on the action of act 2 as it is most of the film, best if you describe how he plans on getting back the loot – fight, steal or con his way to it.

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