When his life unravels, a selfish, high school Jock is given a chance of redemption when he starts visualizing the desires of anyone he touches. p.s I’m trying something a bit different … 2 log lines based on the same premise. This one is a comeuppance tale of Jerk transformed to Good Guy. The next submission is Loser to Hero…. Your thoughts on both or either please. And which transformation do you prefer? which logline is the most ironic?
LarsLogliner
When his life unravels, a selfish, high school Jock is given a chance of redemption when he starts visualizing the desires of anyone he touches. p.s I’m trying something a bit different … 2 log lines based on the same premise. This one is a comeuppance tale of Jerk transformed to Good Guy. The next submission is Loser to Hero…. Your thoughts on both or either please. And which transformation do you prefer? which logline is the most ironic?
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I like the concept.? For the most part I think the logline works, but I’m not sure about the beginning,? When his life Unravels, part,?? Seems like it’s missing something, but still might work.? Not sure.
“When his life unravels, a selfish, high school Jock is given a chance of redemption when he starts visualizing the desires of anyone he touches.”
How does his life unravel? This is the inciting incident, it should be a clear, specific moment that leads to logical, causal action from the protagonist. What does he need to redeem himself from? How does him visualizing people’s desires affect the story? What does he want? The logline should include:
Inciting incident: As said before, a clear moment that upends his life and motivates him to set…
Goal: What he wants to achieve. How does he want to achieve this redemption? What does he think will redeem him if he accomplishes it? The setting of the goal leads to…
Action; Now that he has his goal, what action does he take to make it happen?
I have to agree wit Dkpough1, you should be more specific on how his life unravels.
When he loses his scholarship
When he doesn’t get into the college of his dreams.
When his girl dumps him at the prom
You don’t have to describe every problem but give us a glimpse of his main problem in a few words, then connect it to what he must do.
This one seems to lack the plot-critical descriptions a logline needs.
As the others have said, what causes his life to unravel? How is that connected to him seeing other people’s desires? What is his goal?
This logline has the least clear detail of all the many iterations you’ve posted so far.
One more thing, you say he is given a chance at redemption… I would add who is it that gives him the chance for redemption in the logline.