Thanks all for the help. Re working it now.
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It starts well with the inciting incident, but then the rest gets kind of muddy.
One thing is that it isn’t specific enough, how is she going to go about defending the town? And more importantly, why would she defend the town? And what about the “may be family” part mean? That the MC may be an alien?
I think you could be right about the defending the town, it’s not really important at all.? The end is hopefully the hook, not sure if it’s makes you want to watch or just confuses you.?? Cleaned up the logline a bit more.
An alternate logline that I’ve been working on is:
While trying to discover her birth father, an impulsive dancers hunted by unrelenting aliens species, as she endeavors to defend herself she discovers they may just be family.
The revision makes it seem like the events are happening to the MC, rather than her driving the plot. She is being hunted by aliens, but that gives her no goal. Make sure the MC is the one driving the plot. What is the inciting incident? Why does this make her do something? What is her goal that drives her?
I think the twist could be interesting the first version just seemed to throw it in the logline.
Wouldn’t being attacked by an alien as the inciting incident?? At least to me that is the intent.? The goal would be to survive unless that’s to vague but also to discover who she is and who the aliens are.? Trying to keep it simple but intriguing.? not always so easy.
Yes, it would, but in your revision you do not state that she was attacked by aliens. Her being hunted by aliens is treated as an ongoing action. While goals are implied, her goal does not drive the plot.
My suggestion is: “When an orphan is attacked by aliens, she discovers (something) that leads to her finding the family she’s been searching for her entire life.” At least something along those lines, but my suggestion isn’t good enough, it just includes the things I’ve been saying you should include in yours.
Okay, this makes sense, thank you for your help.? I’ll continue to work on it.
I like the fact the protagonist is female. ?That by itself makes the concept stand out from the pack as most of the time in this and related genres, the main character is a guy.
Now then. ?She may be a dancer — and impulsive — in the story. ?But her characterization in the logline has to be relevant to her predicament and objective goal. ?
Her predicament is that an alien species is tracking her down to kill her. ?For the purpose of the logline that she’s an impulsive dancer is irrelevant to her predicament — unless the aliens are also?dance critics for the New York Times. ?:-)
The character attribute that is relevant to her predicament is that she’s an orphan, or some such. ? (I like orphan because it’s provides a ?motivation to the audience for why she is looking for her birth parents. ?And when she’s being hunted down by the aliens, it raises dramatic tension because she has no kin to call upon for help or an explanation. ?She must survive by her own will and wits.)
Anyway, my takeaway is that the characterization in the logline needs to be congruent with the plot.
>>may be family.
Well, they are family, right? ? If the final answer is “No”, I can guarantee that as ?soon as the logline reader finds out she’s been conned by a bait-and-switch, ?she will hurl the script into the nearest trash can. ?FADE OUT.
Since you’ve mentioned it, you gotta deliver because that is what is expected. ?So my suggestion is to turn the card over in the logline. ?Reveal the spade, call it a spade.
Yes, it’s a big reveal. ? But it’s also the story hook. ?It’s the single element that makes this story stand out from ?all the other scripts about attacking aliens.
I think the premise has potential; I ?can see the story going in several directions. ?But I don’t know which one you have in mind. ?So I can only suggest that instead of the aliens wantonly killing off everyone — the obvious, the predictable, the trite and tired trope — what if they only want to kill her? ?No one one else on the planet is in their laser sights but her. ?She’s the “One”, the only “One” they want.
Why do they only want to kill off only her, a putative member of their family? ?And what must she do about that? ?(Besides survive.)
fwiw
>>I think the line would read a little different in IMDb.
As well it should. ?The summary, or blurb, ?in IMDB ?pitches to a different market — the viewing audience. ?Who are being enticed to invest a $10-12 dollars, a couple of hours in the film. ?The logline pitches to movie makers who are being enticed to ?invest tens of millions of dollars, and ?two or more years of their lives in the project.
One other suggestion: ?think franchise. ?If she’s the love child of an alien that opens up all kinds of story possibilities, sequels…prequels… graphic novels… video games… action toys.