when she discovered she is a mixed-breed of both angel and demon, fiona must do all she can to protect those she loves from the demons who are trying to take over the world as the angels question her loyalty.

As per every version of this logline, we don’t need her name. It doesn’t add anything to the story. Instead give us something that tells us who she is. The story would be very different if she was described as “cautious” compared to “reckless” for example. Do your protagonist the courtesy of making her a person… not just a name.

After her discovery, why does that automatically mean she gets involved in the war? What specifically makes her either want or have to get involved? That’s more likely your inciting incident rather than just her discovery. It’s similar to a superhero logline – the inciting incident isn’t the discovery of superpowers, it’s the arrival of the supervillain.

If the demons are trying to take over the world, surely her goal is to save the world not just her loved ones?

Does she have special abilities if she is half angel half demon? How does she discover this information? Is she the only one who can end this war? Is there a prophecy about her?

At the moment, I think I’m just struggling to get excited about the story as the logline doesn’t make it sound as EPIC as it could be. Angels, demons, end of the world and a half breed… it should feel like a BIG story on a global scale but at the moment it’s just a small story about a girl and her family.

Hope this helps.