Samurai
Posted: 2019-10-22T13:06:18+10:00 In:

When she starts being tormented by an evil force,? a business woman must seek help from her husband after he is committed to a psychiatric hospital for trying to open her third eye.

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    8 Reviews

    1. Best Answer
      Singularity

      “When she’s tormented by an evil entity, a businesswoman must help her psychic husband escape from a mental institution so the two of them can discover a way to banish the malevolent being.”

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    2. Best Answer
      Samurai

      The biggest issue I have with this is… I can’t tell if there’s a relationship between the evil force and this third eye business.? What does the husband do?? Is he a psychic like Richiev thought, or maybe some sort of occult researcher?? Is he an archaeologist who adventured and brought home a cursed artifact then gone mad?? I think that last suggestion sounds like the best hook to me.? It’s always fun and dramatic to go to the crazy guy for help.

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    3. Best Answer
      Samurai

      A no-nonsense business woman must find a way to stop an evil entity when her cultist ex-husband succeeds in opening her third eye.

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    4. Best Answer
      Samurai

      A materialistic, success-orientated business woman must endure a terrifying spiritual transformation when her cultist ex-husband returns from the Judean desert with a lost dead sea scroll.

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    5. Best Answer
      Singularity

      Finding a Dead Sea scroll is an interesting idea for an inciting incident.? However, film is a visual medium so there needs to be a visual moment corresponding to every element in a logline.? What’s the visual for “spiritual transformation”, the on screen cue that signals to the audience that she has undergone the transformation. ( What does “opening her third eye” look like on a movie screen?)

      Further, loglines are about external objective goals, events, actions or objects that an audience can see — again a visual.? Loglines are not about inner states of mind or changes (“spiritual transformation”) because those are invisible to a movie viewer.

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    6. Best Answer
      Singularity

      Billy14:

      Thanks for the clarification.? As described, I get the impression that the plot is driving her, rather than she is driving the plot.? Things are happening to her and people are doing things to her. What agency does she have?? What free will is she exercising and to what end?? IOW: what becomes her objective goal when the evil comes a knocking?? Is she seeking? a spiritual transformation or is it happening to her?? Who is in the drivers seat of the plot?? Driving to what destination?

      What exactly must she win, stop, retrieve or escape from?? That is how the logline ought to be framed.

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    7. Best Answer
      Singularity

      Billy14:

      I still have no idea what the objective goal is. In one simple sentence, what is it?

      And the husband is in the driver’s seat of the plot, not the wife.? She’s trapped in the back seat as a passenger in the plot vehicle. The logline should be so framed.

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    8. Best Answer
      Singularity

      The protagonist should never be driven to an unwanted transformation. An audience will struggle to get behind a passive character who just lets things happen to her. PROtagonists must be PROactive.

      I can’t help but think that the husband’s story is way more interesting than the wife’s. He’s got an interesting history, a quest to find the Dead Sea scrolls, and a goal of using that to get his wife back. He is the one being proactive in the story, and in interesting ways. I feel like it’s a story about a man with a tragic history trying to win back the love of his life – just in a very desperate and terrifying way.

      Could you start with him as the protagonist but at the midpoint you could flip the whole story and make her the protagonist? The lengths he goes to win her back start becoming increasingly violent and this sets up the wife’s goal of escape.

       

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