When the black sleek sports car of a tall dark handsome accountant creates a sensation, he begins to find ways of taking the girl next door on a first date.
Bonnie7Penpusher
When the black sleek sports car of a tall dark handsome accountant creates a sensation, he begins to find ways of taking the girl next door on a first date.
Share
This logline is confusing. On first read, my first thought was, how can a sports car take out the girl next door on a date? Is the car like Knight Rider?
However, after reading it a couple of times I realized it is the accountant who takes the girl next door out.
Also, “…He begins to find ways of taking out the girl next door on a first date.”
As a general rule, don’t use the word begins in a logline.
But mostly this line is a bit clunky.
Finally, I am not sure from your logline, whether the story is about the first date.
Or does the story end when she finally says yes?
There is a story here, but I would take another pass at the logline.
————
“When his sleek black sports car creates a sensation, a tall dark handsome accountant takes the leap and finally asks the girl next door out on a date.”
Right now I’m enjoying Eric Bork’s book, ‘The Idea’. There, he talks about the need for a very high-stakes, “punishing” challenge that the main character is up against throughout the entirety of the story. He talks about communicating this in the logline as well. This logline doesn’t, to me, communicate an all-engrossing challenge, nor is the catalyst/main event (car creating a sensation) one that would seemingly lead to one. I’m sure there’s a dramatic story of the trials of love in these characters’ lives, but I don’t feel this logline captures it.