MAFIA MISSUS
AlexpsmithPenpusher
When the bosses lady catches her husband cheating, she plots her revenge and takes him out, but when a silent witness comes forward and a bounty is put on her head she must escape the bloodshed.
Share
Have an account? Sign In Now
I think all you need to open with is, ‘After catching her husband cheating, a (insert protagonist) plots revenge…’ The opening you have here is quite long and doesn’t need to be. Also ‘must escape the bloodshed’ doesn’t keep in tone with the rest of the line. It sounds like this means huge shoot outs and lots of deaths but if bounty hunters were after her they may do it silently to go unnoticed, hence no bloodshed. Does the witness go to the police? Why is a bounty put on her head, was her husband a powerful man? The line feels slightly jumbled and you need to highlight what the story is. Is it the revenge for cheating or the being tracked down for his murder? Whichever one it is needs the more attention in the line.
Good constructive info Kriss Tolliday 😀
The main problem is the two story syndrome..
It does suggest a midpoint but for a midpoint to work it
has to be exceptional and very few movies make it work ie. Psycho..
Another problem is its very hard to read..
As Kriss mentioned “After catching…” works fine and gets us in there straight away..
The main purpose for a logline is to execute unique concept in its simplest form and hook us in..
After catching her husband cheating, a desperate wife plots revenge before**…?
The movie naturally ends with her killing the husband.
Also vice versa
“After failing to kill her unfaithful husband, a desperate wife must evade a slew of bounty hunters before**…”
In this example it demonstrates another approach.
Add a ticking clock to give us urgency..
What is her goal after the bounty hunters are hunting her ??
Happy writing 😀
Tor