Penpusher
Posted: 2018-02-03T09:27:15+10:00 In:

When the end of an abusive relationship sends an isolated college student reeling, she struggles to regain confidence by participating in a legendary campus tradition: stealing the hands from the campus clocktower.

When the end of an abusive relationship sends an isolated college student reeling, she struggles to regain confidence by participating in a legendary campus tradition: stealing the hands from the campus clocktower.
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    5 Reviews

    1. Uberwriter

      I doubt the clocktower will fight back when she steals the hands, so what other antagonistic force is involved in your story?

      If there is a group that she’s trying to become part of — you should mention that instead.

      Otherwise, I don’t see much of a story here.

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    2. Singularity

      Agree with Foxtrot25.??That it’s a tradition implies there can’t be much jeopardy or effort to pull of the heist.? What is the source of dramatic tension?? What is there for an audience to worry about?

      Or for an audience to care whether she succeeds?? The heist is a pathetic remedy for what ails her, absurd and immature.? Why should an audience want to root for her to succeed?

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    3. Singularity

      “When the end of an abusive relationship forces an isolated college student to recognize that it’s her lack of confidence that has led her into one bad relationship to another, she decides to face her fear of heights and participate in a legendary campus tradition: Stealing the hands from the campus clock tower.”

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    4. Uberwriter

      I just don’t see a way to un-encapsulate this story and make it feature material, let alone have enough material for a 3 act structure.

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    5. Singularity

      As Foxtrot25 said and as I previously noted, I don’t think the story gels for the logline as currently written.? The inciting causes feel incongruous to the resulting action.

      However….

      It has occurs to me that there seems to be a pattern of? omission in? “coming of age”and “young adult” themed loglines posted here.? The omission pertains to a motivating factor (inciting incident) that triggers the resulting action (objective goal).? It is one of the most potent motivating factors for the way adolescents and young adults behave in real life.

      That motivation is peer pressure, the need to fit in , to belong to the group.? ?No just any group, but the “in” group.

      Well, writing is such a lonely occupation. And writers tend to be outsiders, observers of pack behavior rather than insiders, participants.? (Or is it just me? Okay, it’s just me.)??

      Which is a preamble to a suggested inciting incident for the heist that I would buy into as perfectly plausible and possible:

      She desperately wants to join the “in” sorority.? (Maybe the same one her social climbing mother joined — or desperately wanted to join — but didn’t .)

      And the traditional initiation rite is some ridiculous, outrageous prank.? The sorority is legendary for it’s initiation pranks.? And this year’s initiation prank is the topper, the heist.? She must overcome her innate timidity, her fear of taking risks? (and fear of heights) and participate in the heist to get in.

      (Of course, her real subjective need is to take a constructive risk in love, in relationship, or choice of major.? Whatever, the subjective need is to be worked out in the script, not outlined in the logline.)

      fwiw

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