Logliner
Posted: 2017-04-15T14:00:33+10:00 In:

When the only girl he’s ever known is taken away, a boy must escape the robot who bred him in order to find her.

When the only girl he’s ever known is taken away, a boy must escape the robot who bred him in order to find her.
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    3 Reviews

    1. Singularity

      You should probably tell us who took her away.

      When an alien enslaves the only girl he’s ever known…
      When the only girl he’s ever known is taken away by an evil clown…
      When a cult that worships Jim Morrison kidnaps the only girl he’s ever known…

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    2. Uberwriter

      Or tells us he is trying to find who took her as well.

      Try reordering the line as well.

      Bred by robots in a lab, a boy escapes to tracked do who has taken the only girl he has ever know and save her.

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    3. Singularity

      Agreed with the above the who is important as that’s the antagonist – the chief force he’ll be facing in his struggle to get her back.

      Also, there is a disconnect between the story elements. Why must he escape the robot (not sure what that means specifically but I think you intended for him to smuggle the robot out of a lab or something to that effect) after she is taken? How are these two things connected?

      His inciting incident is clear – the girl is taken.

      His goal is clear – get the girl.

      The problem lies in the cause and effect connection between his actions and the inciting incident, how does one logically lead him to do the other?

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