Looking for feedback on this.
"When the President is kidnapped, the First Lady, a former Marine, leads a rescue mission to take down the terrorist with direct roots to the White House"
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As fare as loglines go this one is pretty well constructed perfectly. The inciting incident is clear, the kidnapping of the president. The main character is obvious and whats even better is that you’ve given her a clear and precise goal. Other positive elements include the brief background (former marine). This indicates a possible flaw in the character, as in why she is no longer a marine.
My main criticism is just that the wording at the end is a bit confused. Do u mean that the terrorist has direct links with the white house? not very clear.
Could be written like “…leads a rescue mission against an assailant who has a suspicious knowledge of the white houses security”….or something like that but probably better ha
hope that helps at all
Jamesmichael is right on target, I think. Grammatically (and I’m NO expert here), the last half of the line might be better suited in the front half, while also highlighting the “hook”- First Lady Marine- i.e:
“When POTUS is kidnapped by terrorist with ties to the White House, a retired Special Forces Marine leads the rescue mission to save the leader of the free world- her husband.”
I should add that the concept is brilliant, btw…
I appreciate the kind words…we are still in the development stage and there could be a few changes, but this should be a fun film to write. I am certainly looking forward to it.
The problem is White House Down or whatever it is called is already in development as a big script sale a month or so back about the president (male) being the ex Army guy who has to bring down the bad guys taking over the White House. A shame, as your idea seems more fresh. But I would advise moving on to the next idea as this just won’t go anywhere with a similar film already green lit.
wereviking – if a concept is fresh, or potentially “brilliant” as sharkeatingman says, then I would never tell someone to “move on”. Ridiculous. It’s all in the execution. Keep writing. Make it amazing.
I think Amy is right. Having a movie “greenlit” with a not-too-similar concept doesn’t affect anyone else’s concepts or projects, especially if they are written well. Fact is, the difference in THIS hook compared to “White House Down” is miles: no one to my knowledge has written a viable concept involving the First Lady. Not only is the tite of WHD a direct rip of “Black Hawk Down”, there are dozens of WH-being-taken-over stories, and one great story in “Air Force One” where the President himself is the hero. Don’t forget “Independence Day”, where the President himself is a fighter pilot to the rescue.
With all of the attention Michelle Obama is getting because of her physical and imposing strength and physique, and the need for strong female action stars to replace the Stallones, Arnold’s and Willis’ of the world, I can’t help but be completely jealous of not having this concept first. And, that is always the mark of a great concept; when a roomful of executives say “Why didn’t we think of that?”