When the son of a Vietnam Vet turned thief is stolen from him, he must locate an ancient relic that could save his son, but give control to a 700-year-old slighted Templar.
SeamooreLogliner
When the son of a Vietnam Vet turned thief is stolen from him, he must locate an ancient relic that could save his son, but give control to a 700-year-old slighted Templar.
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Why him? What’s his sin? Why was his son kidnapped? Use of ‘slighted’ suggests he insulted the Templar, which could be the inciting incident. Then bring it forward- “After accidentally insulting {the antagonist] on one of his heists, [Protagonist] must [reach this Goal]”
The inciting incident must send him to his Goal; Is this relic to be traded with the kidnapper? give control to’? is vague.
Is it the Templar who wishes to return to power using the relic? Or is it someone who intends to revive the Templar for his reasons? Who exactly is this Kidnapper?
How’s being a Nam-vet-turned-thief helps your logline? At 34 words, should also trim down wherever possible.
Regarding his Action- Doesn’t it involve ‘stealing’ the relic, beyond just ‘locating it’?
Agree. (I didn’t follow the previous versions.)
Look to create a mental picture? of the action…where the relic is, perhaps what it is, the challenge in finding or getting it, etc.
“When a 700-year-old Templar kidnaps his son, a Vietnam Vet, turned thief is given 10 days to steal an ancient relic from the Cairo museum if he is to save his son.”
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I added ‘Cairo Museum’ but you could just switch it out for whatever difficult place the lead must infiltrate to steal the amulet.