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JasonFPenpusher
Posted: October 26, 20162016-10-26T17:34:09+10:00 2016-10-26T17:34:09+10:00In: Thriller

When the world?s deepest secrets start to become public knowledge, a disenfranchised former FBI profiler is thrust into an escalating situation where those with the most to lose will do anything to keep their secrets and humanity must face the ultimate test.

When the world?s deepest secrets start to become public knowledge, a disenfranchised former FBI profiler is thrust into an escalating situation where those with the most to lose will do anything to keep their secrets and humanity must face the ultimate test.
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    1. giannisggeorgiou Samurai
      2016-10-26T18:18:23+10:00Added an answer on October 26, 2016 at 6:18 pm

      I think the main problem is that you don’t share much of what is going on, replacing actual events with vague expressions:

      • what are the “world’s deepest secrets?” Any particular conspiracy? Many of them? Why not pick one and state it?
      • Also, an “escalating situation” is totally redundant; in every movie we watch we expect some situation to escalate as the story progresses. Plus, it replaces the actual plot: what and where?is he thrust into? What is the story?
      • “Those with the most to lose;” same thing: who are these people? Why not be more specific?
      • “Keep their secrets;” same thing; same secretes with the “world’s deepest secrets?” You don’t have to keep so many secretes when writing the logline or we get nothing by reading it.
      • “Humanity must face the ultimate test;” same thing: what is going to happen? WWIII? Aliens? Zombie Apocalypse?

      If you don’t make it more specific, its title can?be “Every Political Conspiracy Thriller after DaVinci Code.”

      And one note on style: “disenfranchised” is redundant, since you state “former,” right?

      Cheers.

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