Penpusher
Posted: 2017-10-16T09:17:15+10:00 In:

When two inmates realise that no one is on their side, together they must navigate an uneasy friendship to set each other free.

When two inmates realise that no one is on their side, together they must navigate an uneasy friendship to set each other free.
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    5 Reviews

    1. Samurai

      Hi Brandz,

      I think ‘realise’ is a very uncinematic and uninteresting action. Perhaps something more dramatic like “When all their closest friends betray them, two…”

      And tells us what specifically about these two makes them unlikely allies. That is probably your hook. We must see how that clash would make everything so much more interesting. All good buddy-cop films rely on this, the contrast and conflict between the two main characters does many great things for your story, so use it as your hook. An ‘uneasy friendship’ is not going to be enough. They need to be polar opposites. For example the leader of a white supremacist gang and his rival from the Mexicans or African-Americans – straight away we can visualize the action and see how difficult the task would be, and you get to discus your theme without being on the nose.

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    2. Uberwriter

      Two inmates must reluctantly befriend one another to escape _____ before _____ happens in order to gain their freedom.

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    3. Singularity

      Agreed with Paul.

      I’ll add that prison break plots have many tropes, chief among them is the trigger that forces the MC to have to break out – an abusive warden, a denial of justice, or a dying loved one.

      What motivates these characters to have to escape?

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    4. Logliner

      I feel that this is generally too vague. Who is not on their side? What does this even mean? Why is their friendship uneasy? What is at stake?

      There’s also a good opportunity missed here to show what it the quirk, or uniqueness to this story that sets it apart from every other jail-break piece.
      I wonder, what is the really special part of this story that I’ve never seen before that will make me want to particularly read this story?

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    5. Singularity

      I sense this has the makings of an Odd Couple-Buddy film.? ?However:

      >>>realise that no one is on their side

      That’s hardly headline news, a shocking basis for an inciting incident. Prisons are a Hobbesian hell of all against all and every man for himself.

      Nor does that tell us how that translates into the specific and imminent danger they face they band together to escape.? I guess they’re about to be killed.? But I shouldn’t have to guess.? The logline should say so.

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