RENEWED – While riding the bus, an introvert girl falls in love with the fantasy of a boy she sees, he introduces her to the vast landscape of people living in her mind, all fighting to control her.
BschrijverPenpusher
RENEWED – While riding the bus, an introvert girl falls in love with the fantasy of a boy she sees, he introduces her to the vast landscape of people living in her mind, all fighting to control her.
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The plot sounds very interesting to me, but I see several problems at the moment:
– What does “troubled” mean? The girl seems to have a scar or wound she has to overcome. But the word “troubled” is ?too vague for a logline.
– What does “gain control back” mean exactly? I see where you’re coming from, but nevertheless it needs to be described more specifically.
– What do you want to explore with your story? Which kind of question do you want to be answered?
Take, for example, a film which wants to find an answer on why women and men cheat on each other. So your question is: What leads to men and women cheating on each other? Your characters should represent different aspects of an argument, so you can let the story play out the main reason.
Hope it helps!
Good luck with it!
Much clearer than before. But I don’t understand “all fighting to control her”. What does this mean?
You should delete that and add a goal ?the girl has to strive for.
Maybe something like:
“While riding the bus, an introvert girl falls in love with the fantasy of a boy who introduces her to a world inside her mind, but she must (has to)…
Twenty nine words are expended setting up some kind of inciting incident — but not ?a word as to what she must do about it, what becomes her objective goal as a result of this revelation.
The logline needs to compress the inciting incident and include a statement of an objective goal.