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DaveStishPenpusher
While shooting their first music video, a local metal band on the rise quickly realizes that the urban legend surrounding their filming location is true: When people enter, they don?t exit.
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Too long with too much information, yet also not enough detail. Wo don’t need to know it’s their first video and they’re on the rise, but we do need to know what the location is and why it turned out to be a bad idea.
Rephrase it without the punctuation and just tell us what it’s about: a band shooting a video somewhere dangerous. As is we don’t really have an idea what the overall story is about; you’ve basically summed up a single moment of realization…a single moment is not an entire film. Sum up the first half of the story to the midpoint.
“A heavy metal band shooting a video at an abandoned castle must survive until morning when the location turns out to be haunted.”
Just hit us with the pertinent details — protagonist, antagonist, conflict, stakes — so we’ll be interested enough to read more. You can provide additional detail about the characters and location in a synopsis.
agree with all of the above. I think this premise has some potential as there’s alot of dynamics between band members to explore.
Agreed with the above.
Also, it would be better to specify who of the band members is the main character. It’s clear they’re all in ganger and they all have to work together, but it would be better for you to identify the central character through whom we gain access to the story.
Good points. Also it would be a good idea to just say what’s that location: woods? old factory? amusement park? spaceship? church?
That way we can imagine the film better.
Ant then what?
The logline sets up a situation for a plot.? But it doesn’t follow through with a plot.
Suggest checking out the guidelines for writing an industry acceptable logline.