Immunity
Lucius PaisleyLogliner
With an entire school held captive, a doctor must relive a traumatic childhood that may solve the mystery behind the sadistic madman that threatens his daughter's life.
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Intriguing, but it would probably hook me more if I got a small hint about how the doctor, his childhood and the madman are connected. This implies that they are, but it’s very vague. Try to give away enough to get people really interested, without giving away too much.
I chose to use the word “madman” because it seemed that using the word “doctor” twice would look ‘wrong’. I also can’t think of (or locate) a word that describes the mad doctor as not quite the first doctor’s ‘mentor’, but still being, in a small way, influential in his decision to become a doctor.
Still, this is only my first revision of my original logline, which I admit, did look more like a tagline.
I think it works as a tagline as does give us a protagonist, antagonist, goal and stakes. I just think it needs a better hook which as Erik says could be how they are connected, perhaps it could be subtly hinted at. It does work but reads like there is a little something missing that will make it tighter but overall it is a good effort.
I like the general concept, but I’d agree with the others here in that ‘relive a traumatic childhood’ feels vague, and slightly passive. It’s difficult without knowing the entire story, but does this help?
“When his daughter’s entire school is held captive by a sadistic madman, a doctor realizes that this is no random event, and that the key to their survival lies deep within his own traumatic childhood.”
glad to se That May” got cut.
Thanks, quite helpful. I think I’ve got it, but I’m still playing around with different ways of saying specific words and hopefully will be able to bring the word count down a bit before posting my next (hopefully final) revision.