Already a member?
3 reviews
Oh, Goddess
When online haters call for his institutionalization, a tortured man claiming to be the New Age Messiah must convince a state ordered psychiatrist he’s not crazy.
Needs work Clear, difficult goal Filmable incident Stakes and urgency Specificity
>> alpha friend turns alpha fiend.
I like that; I think it works. But...
>>>the abyss
Huh? Movies are a visual medium, so key elements in a logline must be concrete. That is, they must translate into visible objects and/or action on the screen. I intuit a metaphorical sense of "abyss". But what's the visual?
>>replace religion
Replace with what? The plot goal is a half measure and a vague one at that. What's the specific, concrete fully fleshed out goal?
>>>the abyss = madness, derangement, or a chaotic hell might be better, but there is no visual it's purely mental, except that my face became disfigured and my eyes looked twisted, but those are not succinct, and if I say madness or derangement, people will automatically assume the whole Goddess thing is due to madness or derangement.
>>> replace religion: With nature. But the goal was to find SOMETHING new that would replace religion. Just economy of words in the logline. So, replace religion with something new or replace religion with nature, but the MAIN goal was to find something new.
Thanks
Who is he trying to save? Himself? The whole world?
Less save the world or anyone, more start the world over again without the headcase caused by religions. Afraid I need another sentence, because the goal, after the miracles and the Goddess speaking is to make the story a movie. That's the story goal, to get the story made into a movie. The climax is a producer greenlighting production.
Strengths Stakes and urgency No hedging
Needs work Active protagonist Specificity
Hi Jay,
My brain just exploded. But I'm not sure that was your intention.
The wordplay ('alpha friend turns alpha fiend') is cute but replaces real specificity — 'wannabe hero' and 'alpha fiend' are generic labels, not concrete character details. 'Replace religion' is too abstract to picture as an endpoint or as an active, sustained pursuit; it reads as a stated ambition, not a visible goal. The causal chain from torture to 'revelation and divine intervention' to that mission is unclear and disconnected, and the sentence structure buries the action in vague abstraction rather than concrete beats.
The following looks more like a logline, but because I don't have specific details of your story, I'm sure it's not the story you had in mind:
After his best friend, now a cult leader, tortures him into a near-death vision, a disillusioned preacher's son sets out to expose the cult and build a congregation of his own before it consumes the town.
More in Drama
See all →- 1