Categories: Thriller
I agree with CraigDGriffiths. All the elements are there, it needs to be tightened up though.
Inciting incident - The only thing I'd consider changing is adding who actually kidnapped her. It makes us aware of who the antagonist actually is and, as CraigDGriffiths pointed out, can hint at their motive so they're not just one dimensional bad guys.
Protagonist - "an insecure stickler for the rules" - could you just say he's "a law-abiding worrier" or "a straight-laced worrywart"? I think this covers e everything you want to tell us in 3 fewer words.
Goal - "to rescue her" - ties up with the I.I. and makes sense. I think the actions he takes to achieve this could be trimmed quite a lot. "is forced to put himself into increasingly more dangerous and illegal situations over the course of one night in order to get the money" - 24 words... that's a lot! Would something like "must break the law and avoid the cops to get the money" work?
When his girlfriend is kidnapped by her gangster ex-boyfriend, a law-abiding worrier must become a criminal and evade the cops in order to get enough money to rescue her.
Hope this helps.
This has all the elements, but needs tightening.
Does all that explanation about him push the story? Perhaps another word or phrase, or even drop it.
So how does what he do raise money? Can we put them into a collection and explain that? How does he know these places and situation even exist? ?I will have a punt and see what happens.
I will make the assumption that his girlfriend knows some of these people. ?Otherwise having her as a target doesn't make sense.
Here is my take.
A timid guy is forced to engage with drug dealers and criminals from his girlfriends wild past to get money to pay her ransom triggering a deadly consequences and making a target for the local cops.
