When a Brother’s greed makes him betray his assignment, he will risk everything to escape with the expensive gem for his little brother and his new life before they are caught.

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HUGH (19 M) and NOAH JONES (14 M) are brothers who work for an illegal organisation that steals
highly protected, valuable information and treasures in the country to pay off their debt. The
organisation is run by BRYAN DAWSON (27 M), who assigns and pays them to do tasks, and their
pay depends on how life-risking the tasks are. Hugh dreams of paying off their debt and leaving the
country to give his little brother a better life.
He wants a major task to finally earn the money he needs and leave the organisation after years of
working there. Noah has accepted their job as his long-term reality, as he wanted to get money while
also not risking his or his brother’s lives. Their differences in their ambitions and acceptance cause a
lot of arguments, as one wants a new beginning while the other doesn’t mind the long-term work for
their safety. Bryan offers a 20% deal to steal a hidden gem worth $100,000. Noah rejects, but Hugh
accepts the mission. Bryan offers more, which potentially pays off their debt and an extra $5,000 for a
brand new start, which Noah finally agrees to.
Noah and Hugh investigate the area for traps and entrances. As they approach the gem and Hugh
grabs the gem happily, Noah questions Hugh’s decisiveness in the mission. Hugh proposes stealing
the gem to live a better life than he imagined. Bryan stole the gem from him and locked them up so
that only one could escape the room alive. Noah blames Hugh for the selfishness of aiming too high
and blames Noah for the lack of appreciation for a dream of a better life for him.

1 review

Strengths Clear, difficult goal Stakes and urgency Causality and coherence No hedging

Needs work Well-defined POV Specificity Concision

Two of the three are here and doing work: the betrayal is a real major event, and "escape with the gem before they're caught" is a goal I can picture, with a clock on it.

What's missing is the character. "A brother" is a relation, not a person. Give me his function and one trait and I'll be able to fear for him: a young thief on his first big job, a boy who has never held anything worth stealing.

"Risk everything" is the sentence telling me the stakes instead of showing them, and "they" is an obstacle with no face. Cut one, name the other.

The irony is the whole film and it's buried: he betrays the job to buy a life, and the betrayal is what makes the life unaffordable. Lead with that.

Try: "A young thief takes one last job meant to clear his and his brother's debt, then steals the gem for himself so they can disappear before the crew he betrayed finds them."

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