When a naive and shy young man loses his humanity to an evil futuristic corporation, he tries to destroy it to free himself and others with the questionable help of two sides, good and evil, from which he finds no difference.

by NavCR · Penpusher · 160 pts 0 views

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Hi Logline it people.

I am interested to write a novel or the script of a program, so that one day, I and the next generations can read or watch on the internet, just as I liked to watch programs on television in my childhood. But, I’m not that good at expressing myself, so I’d like you to review my work and tell me where I could improve.

Thank you.

4 reviews

NavCR · Penpusher · 160 pts

Thank you all 3 for your tips and cheers! I'll be working on that in the meantime. Goodbye.

eliasbaar · Penpusher · 190 pts

I like the idea of the two sides good and evil, from which he finds no difference!!

Richiev · Singularity · 58,825 pts

I will just add to what Odie wrote.

1: I am not sure what the lead, "Losing his humanity" looks like. Is he half robot? Does he lose his empathy? What is your definition of humanity? Here would be an example of being more specific"

"When an evil mega-corp forces all their employees to take a drug that eliminates emotions, a shy clerk must..."

Now we know what 'losing your humanity' looks like, it means no emotions... Of course, your story will probably be different.

2: You say that good and evil look the same to the lead character but the lead character obviously knows evil when he sees it because that is why he is fighting against the 'evil' megacorp.

Perhaps: "When an evil mega-corp forces their employees to take a drug that eliminates emotions, a shy clerk with the evidence, teams up with two opposing terrorist organizations to take down the conglomerate but those who want the power may be just as bad as those who have it."

Again this is just a guideline your logline will probably be different.

Hope this helped