Revised Logline….When a 12yr old robot obsessed girl learns she is a finalist in a National Robotics Championship she must convince her family to move interstate and prove to her Muslim father that she is worthy of his love by winning a scholarship.

Good re write, the events have been streamlined to fit with in a unity?of action, however the causal connections between them is still too weak.

I don't see how her family's country of origin, unless they actually do live in Afghanistan, has anything to do with this?story. The only logical connection I can make is the promise of an obstacle - by defining her as an Afghan girl and describing her goal as Canberra, you give her a huge obstacle she must travel half way across the world in addition to building an award winning robot. Big obstacles are good?and make the concept more interesting, but?I think you mean that her family is originally from Afghanistan and?live in Australia. If this is so it's not being communicated in the logline.

If all she has to do in the story is fix her robot, there isn't much action for act 2 - what's stopping her from fixing the robot?

The scholarship goal is vague, how does it relate to building a robot? Perhaps this needs to be explained in more detail such as a robotics competition to win a scholarship at the ANU's robotics degree.

The goals are confusing in this logline, which is her primary goal; make the family smile or winning the robotics contest?

In my mind, seeing as the brother's death is described to be the inciting incident, the logical choice for a goal would be to make the family smile again. To that matter you can drop the robotics contest goal all together, and use the resulting freed up logline real estate to describe her obstacle. Why can't she build a robot? Or what is she going to struggle against when building the robot? I believe this will constitute most of your second act, and therefore her action in overcoming the challenge of building a robot needs to be clear.

Drop the migrant it doesn't add anything and this is a marginal improvement on the last one but now feels disconnected. Why would winning the robot contest fill the hole her brother's death left in the family? What if instead, she tries to create an android version of her brother to replace him? That could be interesting especially with a child's lack of understanding of death..?