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"When Paul, a lonely high school student, starts seeing his negative emotions manifest in the form of people he will have to confront the greatest enemy of all: himself."
YOURS: "When Paul, a lonely high school student, starts seeing his negative emotions manifest in the form of people he will have to confront the greatest enemy of all: himself." (29 words) I've taken some liberties and extrapolated some plot details that seemed to fit: "When a lonely high-schooler'sRead more
YOURS: “When Paul, a lonely high school student, starts seeing his negative emotions manifest in the form of people he will have to confront the greatest enemy of all: himself.” (29 words)
I’ve taken some liberties and extrapolated some plot details that seemed to fit:
“When a lonely high-schooler’s negative emotions come alive, manifesting as new students, he must vanquish each and face the inevitable boss fight — against himself.” (25 words)
– We don’t need his name.
See less– In the original, having his emotions manifest as people doesn’t seem a particularly bad thing. What do the embodied emotions do? Must he defeat them or reconcile/befriend them?
– Sounds a bit like SCOTT PILGRIM V. WORLD
– The revision implies our lonely protag finds his solace in gaming.
A high school's phys ed class's weekend hike through the woods turns into something deadly when classmates start to die
"A student weekend hike in the woods turns deadly when classmates start to die." Even though it's brutally brief -- and I agree thoroughly with dpg's comment -- despite everything, I like this LL. It raises its middle finger at you. It doesn't give a flip. It dares the reader to ask "How are they dyRead more
“A student weekend hike in the woods turns deadly when classmates start to die.”
Even though it’s brutally brief — and I agree thoroughly with dpg’s comment — despite everything, I like this LL. It raises its middle finger at you. It doesn’t give a flip. It dares the reader to ask “How are they dying?” Is this a standard slasher-in-the-woods? Do they die from a contagion? Do random students spontaneously explode and nobody’s safe? (I’m not being silly with that last one: see BURST by Gary Dauberman.)
A swaggering LL like this works only if you’ve got something inventive and exciting to pay off the LL’s bold challenge. By teasing the story instead of defining it your LL says: “This story is so good I don’t even need to hook you.” So, you better have something really good up your sleeve.
See lessA former Marines first day at Walmart is turned upside down when eco-terrorist capture the store and take his sister hostage.
The character flaw is welcome. We can keep it short by switching to the "PTSD" acronym -- it's common enough, right? And we can do some "2+2" instead of stating outright he was discharged for PTSD. We're told he's an "ex" marine, so we can connect the dots with: "On his first day at Walmart, a ex-maRead more
The character flaw is welcome. We can keep it short by switching to the “PTSD” acronym — it’s common enough, right? And we can do some “2+2” instead of stating outright he was discharged for PTSD. We’re told he’s an “ex” marine, so we can connect the dots with:
“On his first day at Walmart, a ex-marine with PTSD must save his sister when eco-terrorists seize the store and take hostages.
Adding the PTSD gives us a clearer idea how this story might play out, and it directly opposes his outer goal. Nice work.
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