1. Posted: June 9, 2014In:

    A surveillance operator struggles to keep her team from falling apart as they pursue the crime syndicate that murdered her brother during an unsanctioned operation.

    ah.marni Penpusher

    This is interesting but I think it is a little unclear if the 'unsanctioned operation' is the pursuit that the surveillance operator is leading, or the murder of her brother. Perhaps it is the use of 'during' that is confusing. Having said that, I think the stakes and the story are compelling.

    This is interesting but I think it is a little unclear if the ‘unsanctioned operation’ is the pursuit that the surveillance operator is leading, or the murder of her brother. Perhaps it is the use of ‘during’ that is confusing. Having said that, I think the stakes and the story are compelling.

    See less
    • 0
  2. Posted: May 22, 2017In:

    When a mission goes wrong a starship is stranded in the distant future. Lost in a chaotic realm the world weary captain and his inexperienced crew must form allegiances and negotiate deals with other species which will at times severely test their ethics and values.

    ah.marni Penpusher

    I like this concept, I think there's a clear engine here for a variety of narratives. I'd love to see your characters introduced in that first line. It might allow you to tighten up the second line too. I think it'd be nice to have a clear understanding of what the stakes are in negotiation, is it sRead more

    I like this concept, I think there’s a clear engine here for a variety of narratives. I’d love to see your characters introduced in that first line. It might allow you to tighten up the second line too. I think it’d be nice to have a clear understanding of what the stakes are in negotiation, is it survival? Or something more complex? Is it just their ethics and values that are tested?

    See less
    • 0