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  1. Posted: June 28, 2022In: Family

    After his father’s passing, a boy must find a way to bring the sparkle back into his life.

    Alan H. Jordan Penpusher
    Replied to answer on June 30, 2022 at 5:15 am

    I am having trouble with this. My best shot so far is "A grieving boy must find a way to use a soccer ball to experience joy." But that feels flat to me. Here's what happens. LIAM'S grandfather (WALTER) is dying in a home hospice setting. Grandfather calls him over and whispers, "Look for the sunrisRead more

    I am having trouble with this. My best shot so far is “A grieving boy must find a way to use a soccer ball to experience joy.” But that feels flat to me. Here’s what happens.

    LIAM’S grandfather (WALTER) is dying in a home hospice setting. Grandfather calls him over and whispers, “Look for the sunrise. Keep the joy in your life.” Boy moves away. Others say their goodbyes. Grandfather dies.

    At a wake/shiva Liam and his grandmother at looking at a black/white photo of Walter as an 8-year old along with a teammate and a soccer ball. The picture is folded over, but we see most of a caption which reads, “Walter & B.O.B.”) We also see enough other photographs to understand that Walter was an esteemed professional soccer player.

    Liam grieves realizing he’ll never see his grandfather again. [The world feels to the boy like it is the color of goose poop.]

    Liam plays with the orange soccer ball. And feels somewhat better. He talks to the ball, treats it like a friend.

    Liam builds a relationship with the ball. There are sound effects that mimic what the ball would say if it were alive.

    Midpoint: Mom, Dad, Do you think I could join a soccer team. Parents say yes.

    Liam joins the Warriors. . Practice / practice / practice — each practice building his skills and confidence.

    Extreme (Dark night of the soul) sadness. His grandfather will never know that he now plays soccer.

    At home he wakes up just before dawn, picks up the orange soccer ball and notices that it is the color of a sunrise. Liam goes to play an important game, and helps the team win. Liam’s proud.

    Liam’s grandmother comes up to Liam’s room and give him the b/w photo. “I thought you’d want this picture of your grandfather and Bob.”
    “Is that the other guy’s name.”
    “Oh no, I just say ‘Bob,’ Your grandfather used to this this his “Bright Orange Ball.” He always said it reminded him of the joy of a sunrise. It started him on his way to becoming a professional player. She unfolds the picture, the full caption is “Walter, B.O.B. and Jerry.”

    Liam and grandmother look at a scrapbook. “You’re going to be better than your grandfather, I can feel it.” Oh, and I have another special gift for you.

    Grandmom give Liam a color photo of him kicking B.O.B. Together they place the photo of Liam and the photo of Walter, both with the same ball, on Liam’s dresser.

    #

    Alone and grieving he goes into his grandfather’s room. An orange soccer ball bounces out of a closet. The boy kicks it. Offstage a voice tells him not to make noise, to go outside if he wants to play. He does.

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  2. Posted: June 16, 2022In: SciFi

    When extraterrestrials who believe humans are annihilating the earth by pollution attempt to take a young boy they have bio-engineered to a new planet, the government uses armed forces to prevent this from happening, as they plan to use the boy as a super-soldier.

    Alan H. Jordan Penpusher
    Replied to answer on June 21, 2022 at 3:51 am

    I have a pretty good vocabulary and when I read "anthropogenic pollution-induced virus" I had to think about what it means. In fact, I looked up the word, "anthropogenic," just to be sure. To the best of my understanding, it means caused by human interaction. "pollution-induced" also makes me wonderRead more

    I have a pretty good vocabulary and when I read “anthropogenic pollution-induced virus” I had to think about what it means. In fact, I looked up the word, “anthropogenic,” just to be sure. To the best of my understanding, it means caused by human interaction.

    “pollution-induced” also makes me wonder. What kind of virus is created by pollution.

    It’s just too much effort. If this was a blurb on a book cover, I’d never open the book.

    I copied and pasted your paragraph into Word and ran the editor. Try it and you’ll see that your phrasing is at college level. I think you should be aiming for sixth grade.

    I ran it through autocrit and these words are highlighted as being difficult:

    super’human
    thwart
    extraterrestrials
    attempts
    abduct
    species
    eradicate
    anthropogenic
    pollution-induced
    virus

    So, I think you have a major communications problem.

    Speaking for myself, when I don’t understand what I want to to write, sometimes I obscure.

    Can you write your logline so that a sixth-grader can easily understand it? I suggest you go through the examples. I also suggest that you try to help a few other people improve their loglines before you revise yours.

    I hope this is helpful.

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  3. Posted: June 17, 2022In: Fantasy

    A boy must save the magic in an alternate universe or have his own universe destroyed.

    Alan H. Jordan Penpusher
    Replied to answer on June 21, 2022 at 3:31 am

    Thank you, Richiev. Your feedback is most appreciated. I'll work on this.

    Thank you, Richiev. Your feedback is most appreciated. I’ll work on this.

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