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  1. Posted: January 30, 2013In: Public

    "Enemy at the Gates" meets spaghetti western.

    Aquazi
    Added an answer on February 2, 2013 at 7:39 am

    Ofcourse it does, but actually the more I think about a sniper movie the more clich?ful (pardon my new word!) it seems. I'm actually stopping the work on this script. I have a lot of interesting war stories from my grandparets, and very interesting ways to speak about ordinary war brutality, but, IRead more

    Ofcourse it does, but actually the more I think about a sniper movie the more clich?ful (pardon my new word!) it seems. I’m actually stopping the work on this script. I have a lot of interesting war stories from my grandparets, and very interesting ways to speak about ordinary war brutality, but, I need a main story behind it and for the snipers it seems to not work.

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  2. Posted: January 25, 2013In: Public

    A seemingly ideal Bible Belt family man, is shaken to the core by a secret romance with a handsome young country and western singer that brings him his first real happiness, and the potential to destroy his life and the lives of everyone around him.

    Aquazi
    Added an answer on January 31, 2013 at 5:24 am

    The overall plot seems very interesting and I see the conflict in there. But you should try to shorten the logline, you do not need to say "destroy his life and the lives of everyone around him" you can simply say something like "destroy all he cares including himself" or simply "destroy his life" wRead more

    The overall plot seems very interesting and I see the conflict in there.

    But you should try to shorten the logline, you do not need to say “destroy his life and the lives of everyone around him” you can simply say something like “destroy all he cares including himself” or simply “destroy his life” which is obviously not killing him so you don’t have to specify anything.

    Also there is too much description, you don’t need to say “handsome young country and western singer” you can simply say “young sexy country singer”,

    Also you don’t need to say “seemingly ideal” or you are precluding since beginning the first “shake” of the movie,
    You have to show in the story that he was not an ideal bible man as he thought, not saying it in the logline.
    Also go away with this happiness thing. Passion, love sell more and feels more interesting,
    if you want to make him feel happiness you can make him meet a cancer patient a 9 years old boy or whatever. You want this man to feel attraction, passion, something that he did not feel from a long time it’s a goddamn young sexy woman!
    Happiness can be a consequence of their relation, but you do not need to place it in the logline.
    A logline has to hook, not show the entire story.

    I would rewrite it like this.

    “The life of an observant Bible Man is shaken as he falls in love with a dangerous young sexy country singer.”

    You don’t need to say anything else about him destroying his own life or his family it is all already in the dangerous word you use to describe the woman.

    Also I feel my version more appealing since the dangerous word can make you imagine a lot of things and is able to hook somebody reading the logline way more than your logline that was revealing too much while not making me curious.

    Also I would change the bible man with a preacher. Nothing can create more internal conflict and a journey than destroying a man’s belief he is used to tell to thousands of people.

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  3. Posted: January 30, 2013In: Public

    A scared monster accidentally destroys tokyo and now must rebuild the city while avoiding capture from a crazy zoologist.

    Aquazi
    Added an answer on January 31, 2013 at 5:03 am

    You tried to be original and that's cool, you used irony and that's cool aswell.. But as I try to imagine myself being somebody who has to choose what movie to produce or a simple person trying to decide what to see at the theatre tonight your logline would really make me think why the hell a monsteRead more

    You tried to be original and that’s cool, you used irony and that’s cool aswell..

    But as I try to imagine myself being somebody who has to choose what movie to produce or a simple person trying to decide what to see at the theatre tonight your logline would really make me think why the hell a monster should rebuild the city, aren’t the human able to do that themself? Just because he feels guilty? Also did you just say rebuilding a city? Is he supposed to place a brick after another, color walls, make electric and hydraulic connections ecc…?

    As much as I can feel some kind of interest towards the logline and can feel some empathic feeling with the animal, I cannot just make a sense out of it and I feel the overall plot very weak.

    Work on it, try to use a magician instead of a monster (which makes more sense to rebuild a city with magic) or make the monster do something easier then just destroying a city and it can hook maybe some interest.

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