1. Posted: March 13, 2017In:

    After being framed for assault, an indigenous basketballer from the Australian outback, must prove himself innocent before his scholarship to play for a college in the USA expires.

    benny Logliner

    Thanks for the feedback all, and again I agree with most of what you're saying. I have put together two alternative versions based on our discussions and your quality feedback. I personally think Option 2 is where I'm heading to begin my writing as I feel Option 1 may have too much unnecessary backRead more

    Thanks for the feedback all, and again I agree with most of what you’re saying. I have put together two alternative versions based on our discussions and your quality feedback. I personally think Option 2 is where I’m heading to begin my writing as I feel Option 1 may have too much unnecessary back story. If anyone begs to differ or has an alternative version I’m open to seeing it. My only thoughts on the new versions are that we now don’t know he’s on the run trying to prove his innocence. Is this necessary?

    Option 1
    After being framed for assault, a talented Australian basketball player recently released from a small town juvenile detention must prove his innocence before a scholarship to a USA college expires. (30)

    Option 2
    After being framed for assault, a talented basketball player from the Australian outback, must prove his innocence before a chance to play for a college scholarship in the USA expires. (30)

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  2. Posted: March 13, 2017In:

    After being framed for assault, an indigenous basketballer from the Australian outback, must prove himself innocent before his scholarship to play for a college in the USA expires.

    benny Logliner

    I know there's two sets of stakes here. The threat of imprisonment and losing the opportunity to play the big leagues. Is this a bad thing story wise or does it just make it more dramatic? This character has a lot of back story which I felt unnecessary to expose in the logline. To cut it as short asRead more

    I know there’s two sets of stakes here. The threat of imprisonment and losing the opportunity to play the big leagues. Is this a bad thing story wise or does it just make it more dramatic? This character has a lot of back story which I felt unnecessary to expose in the logline.
    To cut it as short as possible her goes; as a boy Jake spent 8 years on the run with his father who stole him from his mother and ‘went bush’. There he learns hard bush skills taught by his father and an amazing ability to play basketball as they camped near a large farm house where the owners had there own court. Jake played daily when the owners of the farmhouse left each morning. His old man coached him. The kid is good…
    His father was eventually caught and shot dead and Jake was sent to foster homes where he didn’t fit in and eventually assaulted someone sending Jake to do some time in juvenile prison. Now that he’s released he has an opportunity to turn his life around. If he goes back inside this time it won’t be juvenile detention but the big house as he turns 18 not long after being released.
    My apologies for the long back story but if the above logline doesn’t work I’m open to suggestions.
    BTW the story begins with MC being released from Juvi. All back story will be unravelled throughout the script.
    Shoot straight… As I know you do.

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  3. Posted: February 18, 2017In:

    When a young ward of the state is fostered to a crazy family planning a heist, he sets out to find his real father before being forced to engage in criminal activities that will see him back in juvenile prison.

    benny Logliner

    Reviewed logline: An indigenous state ward is released from Juvenile prison and fostered to a reputable white family, who threaten to lie to his parole officer and get him incarcerated unless he helps them with a heist. I assume I re-post in this thread if I make changes to the logline for review. IRead more

    Reviewed logline:

    An indigenous state ward is released from Juvenile prison and fostered to a reputable white family, who threaten to lie to his parole officer and get him incarcerated unless he helps them with a heist.

    I assume I re-post in this thread if I make changes to the logline for review. If not could someone please correct me otherwise if I get no response I’ll put back up on the main board.

    I have made some changes due to a little rethink and thanks to the feedback given in this thread. Please be as brutal as necessary.

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